The healing process.

It takes approximately 12-24 months to heal from these encounters, so while frustrating that it takes two years, blocking off that time frame is a step forward. Once you awaken from the “fog” that you’ve been in for so long, you can see for yourself the lengthy time it will take to heal and untangle yourself from them. For me, it’s taken three years already and I’m still healing. These types don’t just hurt you and leave, it’s a pattern of insidious abuse, played out over and over again that degrades and belittles you. By the time you are finished with the abuse, then the recovery begins. The first thing you encounter is disbelief as you lose or have lost most or all of your friends to the insidious smear campaign, (rumors told about you behind your back which paints the abuser as the victim and you as the abuser), cognitive dissonance which sets in during the relationship/friendship where you believe in the fake persona so much that you do not believe in the actual unmasking that you see once they are done being fake and nice. The problem with this, that they go from mean and sweet so many times in one cycle that you have no idea which is up nor down, or what to believe. This is intentional to throw you off balance and confuse you, as confusion weakens people. Some develop PTSD or C-PTSD by this point as well.

 

Once you have established that it’s time for some self care and healing, then you can begin to slowly piece your life back together. This is where I’m at currently. At this point you begin to think also of self protection and establishing some firm boundaries to protect yourself from these types in the future so you avoid them. Educating yourself on these types goes a long way in aiding that and connecting with others whom have been in a similar situation as yourself is healing in and of itself, as you feel heard and can give voice to your feelings, the confusion, the abuse and get it out of your head and onto somewhere we you can finally hear “Me too, we’ve been there and we understand, and no, you’re not crazy, and we believe you.” From there you can start moving forward again and get excellent tips on how to heal. You also may begin to experience the emotions you were denied while around the abuser, such as anger, rage, frustration, exhaustion, disbelief, confusion, fear, anxiety, panic, insecurity, and the deep hurt that is underneath all of those emotions. All of these are perfectly normal after dealing with these types as they manufacture, intentionally, these very emotions. In this stage you may also learn about others that have been hurt or will be…..however, resisting the urge to contact them with your newfound information is key. They’d make you out to seem crazy, therefore adding to your pain, or do something to spite you. It’s not worth it.

 

Eventually you find that life goes on…despite all obstacles. Eventually you will find yourself at the place where you can move forward in life, have more energy and begin to focus on other things besides the disordered person. Learning about trauma bonds during this point helps you to sever them as well. Creating a calming, healing environment is an option to heal, calm sounds, dim lights, healing music, whatever fits best. Also this is the best to get much needed rest, as our bodies are stuck in flight or fight with heightened levels of cortisol which deplete us. Patience during this time in our lives is crucial…as this is the stage that can take the longest.

 

 

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Welcome.

Welcome to my new followers. 🙂 I’m glad to see you here. Today I was talking about ice plant, which got me thinking about my grandmother’s place because it had ice plant in front at one time. Well I went to check it out on Google Street maps and it looks different from when I last saw it.

It appears upgraded at first glance, then I saw the inside. Gorgeous is an understatement. Stunning fits much better, as it is just beautiful. Whomever did all that work, spent some serious cash to accomplish that, and serious time. It needed the work though.

That’s the first time I’ve seen the renovation inside. I’m grateful and happy to see the house being taken care of however.

This was me.

In 2013, before I moved here. I had more energy, and I got stuff done. I was up early in the morning to get my day started, unlike now. I miss that person because I was thinner for one thing, and another I didn’t walk around with bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. 😴. I was not attacked in the ethereal realms, and wasn’t hurt by such.

That person kept a house running and a family going, cleaned their house, and their clothing. I’ve been trying to reign in my anger since that time though I’ve gotten better at it. I’m exhausted these days and wondering where my spark went. For that matter, wondering where my friends went? Hmm.

I’m 35 now and not 25 or 31. Abuse takes a huge toll on a person , and so does having two miscarriages back to back. May is coming up again. Before I’d moved here I’d only had one miscarriage.

I just miss being that person. It’s something I can never quite go back too. I had my bad points but I was friendlier. It’s been on my mind a lot because this September I’ll be 36. With forty approaching I’m realizing I do not wish to live my life like this. Usually by mid morning I’d already be up, hair done and makeup on.

If you’re lucky enough to be in your early thirties, live it up. Enjoy it. Time really does go by fast.

Finished LIDA101 the other night.

Learning in a Digital Age (LIDA) is a series of four micro-courses that I’m taking over at Saylor Academy, whom partnered up with OERu to host and offer the courses.  Although pretty confused at first and having to navigate unfamiliar websites and technology, I did pretty well and by the time I finished, I was able to define digital literacy as: Knowing how to navigate digital arenas safely and confidently, and how to use open source software.  I also learned how to use Markdown, SimpleNote, Zotero, Bookmark,   Mastodon, and Hypothes.is  (that’s how it’s spelled on the website.)

 

I am going to navigate and continue on with the set of courses because it looks rather interesting. The next upcoming course offering is Digital Citizenship. I am going to end here prematurely because the Dayquil has worn off and I’m not feeling that great. I hope all my readers stay healthy this year. 🙂

Cold nights and courses.

It’s been chilly here lately…I believe we haven’t been out of the fifties lately, which is chilly for us. So it’s a good time to get caught up on courses, which is what I’ve been doing. I’m almost finished with Intro to Sociology, as there’s a final for the course on the 26th. The others are thankfully self paced.  There are videos on YouTube which are entitled “Study With Me” which helped me. Check them out!! 🙂

 

The situation I was in for too damn long has resolved itself as I remembered the truth. I’m grateful that it’s finished as now I can focus solely on healing. My life, therefore, is much quieter as I prefer it that way. Too much drama and stress takes a physical toll on you after awhile and I just need space from all of it. Otherwise things are pretty quiet around here and the loudest thing at the moment is the wind. We have Santa Ana winds blowing through and since it’s late February, they are rather chilly. Winter always hits so late here…its when the rest of the country begins to warm up in preparation for Spring that we get downright cold. We’ve had frost advisories the last few nights and been down to the mid to upper thirties, with the wind blowing. It’s been chilly, suffice to say.

 

I just looked over at my calendar on the wall and realized I never changed it from Jan. Opps! That’s another thing I need to do soon. Smh we’re almost done with this month and I haven’t switched it yet…can we say distracted?? Sheesh.  I’ve been distracted by drama, coursework and being tired to pay much attention to things like that. Ah well.

 

I hope every one of my readers had a good Valentines day. 🙂

Online courses.  

I am taking online courses with Coursera,  as they are offering learning paths.  These are multiple courses that take six months to a year to complete. I’m also taking courses with edX and taking intro to Sociology.  Its an intense course with lots of reading.  

 That’s where I’ve been lately.  I hope my readers are doing well.  ☺ I also started using Habitica… an organizational app.  I’ve also been healing as of late,  and focusing more on myself.  I will write more soon.  😊😊😊

New Years Day.

So far is being spent listening to football in the background and recovering from moving furniture and heavy boxes around for hours yesterday. I’m happy with the result and I know I’ll be fine tuning things when I’m not so sore. I’m not one to set resolutions…because they never stick. However, I am grateful to see 2017 gone as it was a harsh year. I’ve learned a lot and am still healing and recovering from the mayhem and chaos.

 

I’m also trying to  do more coursework rather than let it slide, especially with self paced courses.  Those are great however…..you can forget about them and there’s no set deadlines to finish quizzes, assignments, readings etc so it’s easy to forget about them completely and come back a month or two later. Opps! I moved things around on the desk to accommodate notebooks etc and then let the courses slide. Not a good idea!! It helps with achieving a balance between things and situations in my life.

 

Last year was mostly spent healing, recovering, moving, settling, disclosing, and figuring out and uncovering the truth about situations that had already occurred. Also mainly playing catch up with my courses, homework, readings and friends I hadn’t talked to in months. I actually had one friend tell me they had been trying to text me since June…I had forgotten to tell them I had changed my number. Opps!!!

 

I am hoping this year to be more on top of things and not in such a lost place….well maybe that is a resolution after all, eh? 🙂 Have a safe, warm and gentle new years day. 🙂

 

 

Coffee, a cold, and warmth.

I’ve caught a cold it seems….though with the weather so dry here and windy from the Santa Ana winds, I’m not surprised. It’s warm during the day but chilly at night as we’re dipping into the 40’s now. I have Vicks and a cup of coffee to assist me at least. 🙂

 

Okay moving on…so thing’s have been quiet lately…well at least on the human front, thankfully. I was searching for a piece of paper the other day, with a list of all my internet sites I need to remember for my courses. Well, I didn’t find it (I seriously have no idea where it went.) However, I did find all of my old notebooks, paper and binder, and all my old notes that I took for my courses, especially anatomy. I took pretty extensive notes but still couldn’t pass the first assessment, mainly because in the middle of everything, I packed up and moved in one day and never got back to it. I had dropped the class out of frustration but when  I found the notes, that was reversed. Alison has a great “learning pathway” about it, especially the cardiovascular section. Extensive detail and just one of the best, in my opinion, at least.   So I have finally gotten back into my blog at least and my courses. I’ve also been playing Farmville: 2 Country Escape..it’s an addicting game!! But fun nevertheless. I’m just looking to move past the hibernation stage I’ve been in lately, which explains the lack of any posts.

 

I cannot believe it’s already almost Christmas…time has been flying by so fast!  In just two weeks time then starts the fun of taking down the decorations, which as usual come down a lot quicker than they went up! At least it’s peaceful around here…the neighbors are putting their lights up on their houses and the decorations out. We’ve had ours up since October because I was so tired this year, I began early. It’s looking really pretty around here at night and during the day, the hawks are flying around looking for food, the neighborhood is quiet, and some thin clouds are streaming overhead. I was out in the front yard with the dog and watched the hawks circling overhead, looking for the noon meal. They are such graceful birds and I love watching them circle and fly. 🙂

 

I absolutely love how peaceful and quiet it is here…….even if I do have to listen to a tv in the background constantly as my mom loves the news. I’m not a fan of it but ah well..it’s still rather peaceful. Until next time, Lisa. 🙂

Healing, recovery, football, and fires.

Its Sunday morning and to most that means church.  To me it means football,  although yes I love the Lord.  ☕⛪💒 I’m still healing and recovering from the abuse I went through, which is why I’m so quiet on here.

 

I’ve been exhausted these last few months,  as the stress is finally decreasing bit by bit,  I’m realizing how tired I am these days.  That’s the thing about surviving abuse that no one tends to mention.  Your body just collapses as it is detoxing from cortisol and hormones.  The first few months away I tend to just spend sleeping and resting.  That’s why I’m happy for self paced courses,  no worries of impending deadlines.  They also don’t mention the brain fog which accompanies this exhaustion.  It really sucks.  I’ve been NC with my abuser for the last month at least.

 

Recently I’ve been playing farmville 2,country escape.  It takes my mind off my problems and lets my stress fried brain breathe a bit.  It’s a great game,  although addictive.  😎 Consider yourself warned!  😁 On top of all this I am keeping an eye out for flying decorations and potential fires.  Its so dry that anything can  spark up at any time and with these Santa Ana winds coming through,  that’s exactly what happened.  The fires burning are hard to contain with so much fuel (dry brush/vegetation) and the winds whipping around that they have spread as rapidly as an acre a second.  Yes, you read that right.  Most have lost everything weeks before Christmas and still cannot return home. We need rain desperately here but none is forecast,  and I’m hoping they continue to contain them. These winds are normal this time of year but not for the duration and speed we’ve seen.  If that isn’t bad enough,  another bout of wind is expected by this next weekend.  We can’t seem to catch a break.

 

The tablet battery is at 22% so I guess I’ll end here for now.  As always   thank you for continued patience during my silences.  I appreciate the loyalty.  😎 Until next time,  Lisa.