Chaos & Peace.

Well it’s peaceful now, finally, although warm again. The two that abused me have been dealt with and are much less of a threat now, to practically non-existent. It’s the healing that needs to take place now, and it’s a slow process healing from narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. I haven’t heard from either of them in awhile so I’m guessing they finally got the hint. Although she still whines and complains that she was “framed” multiple times, it’s a false accusation. Ah well, that’s on her shoulders not mine.

 

My healing is slow…and we’re still dealing with demons (at times) and souls that travel the astral plane to be here and harrass on their behalf. This type of abuse is insidious and it takes at least 12-24 months to heal from it. Yes you read that right…a total of two years just to settle the chemicals back down to normal, get enough sleep/rest, and get back to where we used to be prior to meeting the monsters.

 

The damage they do is pretty deep, they try to “become” you and at the same time, erase who you are at the very core of yourself. In most situations you can just pick up and move on, but after these “non-humans” it’s just not that easy.  You are left at war with yourself, your thoughts, your body, your dreams…basically anything about you that made you …well, “you.”  I am trying to find my way back to who I was before, although this time wiser that these soul less individuals walk amongst us and are pretty prevalent unfortunately.  These creatures prey on unsuspecting people and leave you almost lifeless, maybe financially destitute, and bereft of all emotions and life force, so it’s no wonder it takes two years just to rebuild our lives, health and emotional stability & well being. I’m in it for the long haul but I can say this for certain: Never once in my entire life, have I ever been so exhausted, worn out, drained and just simply TIRED.

 

Chronic stress leads to  adrenal fatigue which is an additional burden on us, and an additional issue to deal with. As stated previously, I’ve never been so exhausted as I am having to deal with the aftermath of this. For certain this is not how I pictured my thirties as going. I honestly figured I’d be married with a family at this point in time, rather than battling these two on a astral/spiritual level and demonic entities.  It’s no wonder I’m so damn tired all of the time………………..

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The healing process.

It takes approximately 12-24 months to heal from these encounters, so while frustrating that it takes two years, blocking off that time frame is a step forward. Once you awaken from the “fog” that you’ve been in for so long, you can see for yourself the lengthy time it will take to heal and untangle yourself from them. For me, it’s taken three years already and I’m still healing. These types don’t just hurt you and leave, it’s a pattern of insidious abuse, played out over and over again that degrades and belittles you. By the time you are finished with the abuse, then the recovery begins. The first thing you encounter is disbelief as you lose or have lost most or all of your friends to the insidious smear campaign, (rumors told about you behind your back which paints the abuser as the victim and you as the abuser), cognitive dissonance which sets in during the relationship/friendship where you believe in the fake persona so much that you do not believe in the actual unmasking that you see once they are done being fake and nice. The problem with this, that they go from mean and sweet so many times in one cycle that you have no idea which is up nor down, or what to believe. This is intentional to throw you off balance and confuse you, as confusion weakens people. Some develop PTSD or C-PTSD by this point as well.

 

Once you have established that it’s time for some self care and healing, then you can begin to slowly piece your life back together. This is where I’m at currently. At this point you begin to think also of self protection and establishing some firm boundaries to protect yourself from these types in the future so you avoid them. Educating yourself on these types goes a long way in aiding that and connecting with others whom have been in a similar situation as yourself is healing in and of itself, as you feel heard and can give voice to your feelings, the confusion, the abuse and get it out of your head and onto somewhere we you can finally hear “Me too, we’ve been there and we understand, and no, you’re not crazy, and we believe you.” From there you can start moving forward again and get excellent tips on how to heal. You also may begin to experience the emotions you were denied while around the abuser, such as anger, rage, frustration, exhaustion, disbelief, confusion, fear, anxiety, panic, insecurity, and the deep hurt that is underneath all of those emotions. All of these are perfectly normal after dealing with these types as they manufacture, intentionally, these very emotions. In this stage you may also learn about others that have been hurt or will be…..however, resisting the urge to contact them with your newfound information is key. They’d make you out to seem crazy, therefore adding to your pain, or do something to spite you. It’s not worth it.

 

Eventually you find that life goes on…despite all obstacles. Eventually you will find yourself at the place where you can move forward in life, have more energy and begin to focus on other things besides the disordered person. Learning about trauma bonds during this point helps you to sever them as well. Creating a calming, healing environment is an option to heal, calm sounds, dim lights, healing music, whatever fits best. Also this is the best to get much needed rest, as our bodies are stuck in flight or fight with heightened levels of cortisol which deplete us. Patience during this time in our lives is crucial…as this is the stage that can take the longest.

 

 

Life.

Life itself has been busy lately, and stirred up thanks to the full moon, which I’m hoping when it enters a new phase, it calms down somewhat. I took a break again from blogging, and this weekend from most of my courses. After awhile they do tend to become overwhelming. I’ve also been busy trying to fix my webcam as it seems with most Gateway computers, especially the touch screen that I have, the webcams seem to no longer exist on the computer, meaning they cannot find it! I have turned the permissions on, and enabled the camera, and nothing came of it, have also tried to locate proper drivers to update and that’s a headache in itself, even with the serial number.  Also, Chrome is having some buggy issues itself lately…..with black spots appearing all over websites.

 

In other news,  I’m beginning to think California skipped Spring this year and went straight into Summer, as it’s been in the 80’s lately and it’s only late April. The nights are warmer now as well thanks to the Marine Layer coming in as we transition seasons. Soon enough it’ll be warm here in the morning and especially at night, and then humid as well.  For now, it’s beginning to warm up already and we have had some Santa Ana winds coming in as well and this next week we are supposed to have a chance of rain late Tuesday night into Wednesday, which we need before the hot, drier months hit and fire season begins once again. Last year was pretty bad for the county as thousands were displaced. I just hope it’s not that bad, once again.

 

As far as anything to do with me in other news, it’s been relatively quiet in the real world. We got my mom set up with PACE (Google it) and we have a visit scheduled to their facilities upcoming to check out and that should be interesting. The whole idea sounds nice on the surface but I’ll know more when I see the building(s) itself/themselves to judge for myself. On the whole, it’s through the church she attends so it can’t be too bad. We shall see how that ends up turning out however.

 

I’m still healing although I’m further than where I was when I initially wrote entries about it here, describing what I was going through at that time. Healing happens in stages it seems and not all of it is healed quite yet, it just takes time for those wounds to close and scar over. Moving forward despite being wounded assists in that process however, thankfully. Anyway that’s the latest from my lil corner of the world. 🙂

 

Welcome.

Welcome to my new followers. 🙂 I’m glad to see you here. Today I was talking about ice plant, which got me thinking about my grandmother’s place because it had ice plant in front at one time. Well I went to check it out on Google Street maps and it looks different from when I last saw it.

It appears upgraded at first glance, then I saw the inside. Gorgeous is an understatement. Stunning fits much better, as it is just beautiful. Whomever did all that work, spent some serious cash to accomplish that, and serious time. It needed the work though.

That’s the first time I’ve seen the renovation inside. I’m grateful and happy to see the house being taken care of however.

This was me.

In 2013, before I moved here. I had more energy, and I got stuff done. I was up early in the morning to get my day started, unlike now. I miss that person because I was thinner for one thing, and another I didn’t walk around with bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. 😴. I was not attacked in the ethereal realms, and wasn’t hurt by such.

That person kept a house running and a family going, cleaned their house, and their clothing. I’ve been trying to reign in my anger since that time though I’ve gotten better at it. I’m exhausted these days and wondering where my spark went. For that matter, wondering where my friends went? Hmm.

I’m 35 now and not 25 or 31. Abuse takes a huge toll on a person , and so does having two miscarriages back to back. May is coming up again. Before I’d moved here I’d only had one miscarriage.

I just miss being that person. It’s something I can never quite go back too. I had my bad points but I was friendlier. It’s been on my mind a lot because this September I’ll be 36. With forty approaching I’m realizing I do not wish to live my life like this. Usually by mid morning I’d already be up, hair done and makeup on.

If you’re lucky enough to be in your early thirties, live it up. Enjoy it. Time really does go by fast.

Finished LIDA101 the other night.

Learning in a Digital Age (LIDA) is a series of four micro-courses that I’m taking over at Saylor Academy, whom partnered up with OERu to host and offer the courses.  Although pretty confused at first and having to navigate unfamiliar websites and technology, I did pretty well and by the time I finished, I was able to define digital literacy as: Knowing how to navigate digital arenas safely and confidently, and how to use open source software.  I also learned how to use Markdown, SimpleNote, Zotero, Bookmark,   Mastodon, and Hypothes.is  (that’s how it’s spelled on the website.)

 

I am going to navigate and continue on with the set of courses because it looks rather interesting. The next upcoming course offering is Digital Citizenship. I am going to end here prematurely because the Dayquil has worn off and I’m not feeling that great. I hope all my readers stay healthy this year. 🙂

Favorite Place Photo Challenge.

via Photo Challenge: Favorite Place

My little patio outside (as big as shown here) is my favorite place to be. In the Spring it’s a nice cool area to be, and in the summer, the trees cover most of it in shade so I don’t roast. Except in the early morning, when bee’s swarm the trees looking for berries and pollen during the summer months. It’s mainly quiet and away from the chaos of the house and a peaceful place to be. 🙂 The little bin is my table for drinks, food, tablet/phone/book(s), feet, etc. The trees back there have that natural bend to them that you can view in the picture.

 

It didn’t always look this cleaned up, in fact this took a few months of work to clear. I had to move a lawn mower first of all that was around the corner from the back door, off my room. Then I had a lot of sweeping, trimming and general picking up to do of trash, leaves, stems, sticks and general stuff from nature. What came to be is what you see now after much work was done. I only have it half lined with bricks for the moment but my plan is to finish lining it so it looks completed.

 

The neighbor here has two pine trees growing in her yard and they are right by my patio area, on the opposite side of the fence. It’s a nice, just right size for me, retreat. 🙂

Current situation and mood.

Things have calmed down in some areas and become busy in others, hence where I’ve been. I began taking Lida101 from Saylor academy, which is a new course offered from them, on digital literacy. It’s a time consuming course as within each module, contains lots of little assignments and tasks, such as searching databases, annotation of articles, blog posts, maps and discussion forums.

It’s also Spring here in the northern hemisphere, and that means warmer days/nights and therefore rain, and plenty of it. We’ve been consistently getting rain since March began, and this week includes a storm. It also includes this.

Lots of green and flowers, natural growth of the trees, and bushes. The last few with the fence are from my small patio area I set up after moving. 🙂 All this color is cheery and the green is calming. I like seeing this before summer hits and everything turns brown. To my readers in the southern hemisphere, welcome to autumn. 🙂

DST and spring.

There’s good things about Spring coming and one of those is the longer evenings, thanks to DST. I, like everyone else, is walking around this week tired. One of the things about summer are the longer nights and days, which since its quickly approaching, is a good thing. Bbq’ing is certainly easier when you grill later in the evening and can see what you are doing. Although I can wait for the warm nights as last summer we had 97 degree nights thanks to Santa Ana winds, or some summer storms coming up from Baja.

I think the best thing about the summer here are the sunsets. Since we are kinda rural out here, not many buildings obscure the view of the sky. They make the hot days more than worth it.

Cold nights and courses.

It’s been chilly here lately…I believe we haven’t been out of the fifties lately, which is chilly for us. So it’s a good time to get caught up on courses, which is what I’ve been doing. I’m almost finished with Intro to Sociology, as there’s a final for the course on the 26th. The others are thankfully self paced.  There are videos on YouTube which are entitled “Study With Me” which helped me. Check them out!! 🙂

 

The situation I was in for too damn long has resolved itself as I remembered the truth. I’m grateful that it’s finished as now I can focus solely on healing. My life, therefore, is much quieter as I prefer it that way. Too much drama and stress takes a physical toll on you after awhile and I just need space from all of it. Otherwise things are pretty quiet around here and the loudest thing at the moment is the wind. We have Santa Ana winds blowing through and since it’s late February, they are rather chilly. Winter always hits so late here…its when the rest of the country begins to warm up in preparation for Spring that we get downright cold. We’ve had frost advisories the last few nights and been down to the mid to upper thirties, with the wind blowing. It’s been chilly, suffice to say.

 

I just looked over at my calendar on the wall and realized I never changed it from Jan. Opps! That’s another thing I need to do soon. Smh we’re almost done with this month and I haven’t switched it yet…can we say distracted?? Sheesh.  I’ve been distracted by drama, coursework and being tired to pay much attention to things like that. Ah well.

 

I hope every one of my readers had a good Valentines day. 🙂