Its the one thing that has me me really stop and pause and consider making some significant changes in my life…mostly to slow down and give my all to this one change that deserves the best and my utmost attention. I can’t keep fighting darkness or evil with this one change….because at some point, I will be physically unable too anymore. You see, back in March, I found out I was pregnant. Nine weeks already, to be exact. I had clues already considering I had morning sickness from nowhere one morning and figured what I was experiencing was just the flu. So…this major change has led me to make some pretty big changes on what I’m taking on and the path I’m headed down. 🙂 Until next time…Lisa. 🙂
On life, more specifically,..up to this point in time. I have been in the process of attempting to fix my life since ….well a year now I believe. Everything became twisted, messed up, turned upside down. I actually started this post six months ago now, and just now am finishing it. As my readers discover, there are times that I just do not publish anything for a length of time. It gets difficult when what you type is read, or life just piles up! I’ve had a run in lately with a narcissistic individual and I’m trying to heal and get my life back on track since that fiasco. Everything I believed in was turned upside down on its nose, shaken to its core…and I’m beginning to fish out the lies I was led to believe about myself and others. I’m also sorting through the damage and deciding what should be fixed and what ought to be left alone. It’s not easy for sure….these individuals damage everything you hold dear and the worst part is that it’s definitely intentional. I’ve written about this before…..“You didn’t like that.”
Considering they have absolutely zero remorse for what they’ve done, said, and lied about, its up to the abused one to heal and fix what is so wrong in their lives. I’ve been battling anger, rage, depression and feeling overwhelmed, and yes, drained…completely drained emotionally, mentally, and physically…and perhaps at times, even spiritually. While that person moves on to the next victim…its not fair to say the least but I know in time, I’ll heal and we all will be better off in the future. I’ve decided to set up boundaries and I’m enforcing them. The worst part of all of this? The individual in question lives right next door. I’ve gone ‘no contact’ for the last month now….and the silence is welcomed. But I’ve also dealt with ‘flying monkeys’ or third parties that set out to hurt you since the narcissistic person can no longer control me. As you can imagine, it’s been a huge mess that I’m trying my best to clean up. Needless to say, it’s been rough.
I’ve seen too much blood, darkness, hate, death and drama that I’m more than ready to fight and push on….for peace. For sanity. For life. I can’t save future victims but I can be a voice and mediator for the prior victims, and yes there will always be victims. But I can do only do so much and help so many before I say enough is enough. I refuse to rip my life apart anymore than I have trying to figure out the why, how, when and where. Its pointless and when I stop long enough to pick out the lies and realize those lies, when turned to the truth, exhibit her behaviors that are so significantly glaring, I feel peace. Because not only did I come out this alive, I came out with my sanity intact. Somehow, I survived. It doesn’t make me feel special, in fact quite the opposite. It makes me sad because so many haven’t had that opportunity..it was stolen from them. They deserve their stories to be told…and they deserve justice. In time, both will be delivered and there will be restored peace here. But for now, I am trying to heal and take it one day at a time.
When you sort through the lies and the blame that the toxic person tried to dump on you, the weight of blame and guilt lifts, and you feel freer…empty as well, perhaps..but free. Once your free being controlled and manipulated, you begin to trust your instincts…and your decisions. The phrase that put that back into perspective with me is this: “The sky is blue and the grass is green.”
I found a bunch of helpful information on Pinterest about this, and sadly enough, there’s several boards by humans such as you and I, that contain information on this very subject. I found that helpful, insightful quote on Pinterest….and I am slowly getting back into being myself. I am taking some courses that I started, finishing this post (finally) and beginning to get back into the things that I love, such as Spring/Summer baseball games by our local MLB team.
Been enjoying the pets more as well..such as the cat and dog we own. More than anything, I’m beginning to de- compress from all the pent up frustration, anger and stress. I still feel like a human shell of what I once was, and still fight the bitter rage…but I am learning to ignore her when she calls out my name, or says something to provoke a response, usually intentionally heated. Silence and calm is the absolute best response. Silence can never be misquoted, and calm can never be taken advantage of. Please remember that it is never anything you do wrong….but them projecting their behavior onto you. I will rebuild what was lost and will start over, because no matter what has been thrown at me the last few years, I’ve survived and gotten back on my feet. Stronger perhaps than the last time life tried to knock me down. Announcement coming in next post…until then, Lisa. 🙂
I am taking some courses over at Saylor.org (spelled just like that.) At the moment, it’s Political Science…which is imposing because there happens to be a huge amount of reading required, right off the bat. You have numerous articles, of varying length, then a 29 page article to read and an hours lecture before being hurled into several more lengthy articles. However, despite all of the time invested, you do learn something, and I’ve also come to really appreciate how they have put together their website. It’s based on any normal type of professional, tuition-paid Universities offerings, including electives.
So many details I cannot write about but in general, I can. Peace doesn’t come all boxed up with a pretty bow and wrapping paper. Its never delivered quite that simply. You have to want it, fight for it, and focus on it enough so that it manifests almost by itself. I’ve been trying to attempt peace in my life lately but so far what I get is the complete opposite. Its the sole reason I’m so moody….I prefer life to be simple, and uncomplicated. I wish for life to have some breathing room….not to be so boxed in and afraid to breathe or move. Most however, conform to living in a box and being afraid to step out of it and push the boundaries.
I have been forced to push them and keep on pushing until things change, and that is mostly why I’m losing patience with everything and everyone around me. I am constantly told to “trust the process” but that process is slow compared to today’s fast, technology driven society where we’re instantly gratified and typically have answers instantly at our fingers. So I’ve had to learn to have some patience with a slower way of doing things. It’s been frustrating, to say the least.
Also, when someone makes you question yourself when it’s clear they are the problem, step back and observe from a different perspective first before beginning the questioning. Make sure you’re not seeing it from a tainted point of view.