I haven’t written for awhile….life got in the way and then it just got confusing. The light at the end of the that tunnel went out for awhile….but has since began shining once again. I have only now started the healing process from the miscarriage. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks last night…I just felt everything, at once. It is very hard when you realize that there’s a whole list of “firsts” that you will never experience….but most especially when the loss was intentional. I have a right to grieve at my own pace, and a right to write about it as well, and I claim both of those. If certain people don’t like it, that’s just really too bad because I could care less. The laptop I use, the words I write, and this blog I put these words out on, are entirely my own, so therefore, any lesser opinion doesn’t hold any weight. To heal, I write. So here goes…….
If you’re still here…then that means you have resilience and tenacity, to sink to the very bottom of my abyss and stay with me while I tread water and eventually float back to the top for that elusive breath of fresh air. Indeed, I did cry last night….it came in two waves….the not so deep emotional pain, then the very deep pain that cuts like a razor blade slicing fresh skin. That is the pain that changes people…..for it is that deep, indeed. It is consuming hungry and overwhelming. It’s the type that you cannot hold in….it comes out as big, fat, ugly tear drops and then bursts forth in a magnitude of hurt. You see nothing, but you feel everything, deeply. This is why grief has the effect to change someone into something they themselves do not recognize. This is the effects of grief….and everyone who goes along that solitary journey, does so at their own time and pace. There is simply no time limit set in place nor any instructional guide. You go in blind and come out with different views, and a completely changed life. I’ve been through grief before, but this as it stands, it’s fresh, raw, and wide open.
I’ve also realized lately how I’ve become less of a human…and more like a robot going through the motions, each day. John Douglas in the book “Journey into Darkness” sums it up best when he says: “I had become a one-dimensional human being.” I can relate to that quote perfectly and it resonates with me, because I have as well. I’ve been treading water as much as I can, attempting to hold it together and be strong so things can be accomplished. However, that is a horrible way to live because you don’t feel anything, rather you just go through the solitary, mundane motions, acting much like a numb robot. I realized this yesterday when I had eaten some Teriyaki Chicken and halfway through, I finally tasted the Teriyaki sauce. It wasn’t due to the meal in and of itself, but rather my automatic motions and my mind not being centered in the present, nor focused on what I was tasting. This is what happens when we are dealing with grief and trying to make solid attempts at treading water….this is the outcome. Needless to say, it is not a good idea to put everything in your life on the back burner and become this one dimensional human being, when we are created to be three dimensional and full of life.
I have also been told that I shouldn’t be so focused on what occurred…but to me, that is denying it ever happened in the first place to as to comfort the guilty. That isn’t happening. I could honestly care less how uncomfortable I make the accused….considering at the time, my comfort and peace of mind were the furthest thing from their mind. I cannot be expected to take them into consideration. (Hence the opening paragraph.) I have isolated a bunch of people out of my life by simply not engaging with them as I did in the past. I felt as though the situations and circumstances have changed me to the point that I can no longer relate, so phone calls become obsolete, texts become shorter until they make no further attempts to communicate, and my social circle consists of two people. Yes, two solitary people. Sad, isn’t it? How when we end up deeply hurt or traumatized, we end up pushing away the very people whom could help us? Isolation isn’t really the answer, either in most instances. Friends should be able to be there and pick up the slack, even through text messages or over the phone. Not just leave you hanging like you don’t matter in the first place, but that’s just my opinions and views on that subject.
As I’ve stated before, healing takes time. It is not an overnight process and I have lots to process and digest. I’m further than where I was, and that is what count, in the long run. I’ve come a long way from where I was, certainly. It is just going to take time, and that I do have, to work on this journey. Its a long, bitter, twisting path I’ve embarked on..and certainly I’ve made it harder on myself than need be, but as I’ve said, the light is beginning to shine once again at the end of the tunnel. There is peace…..once again. For that I am grateful….it gives me a chance to catch my breath and finally rest. This journey has taught me an awful lot about evil and darkness of human kind, as well as the kindness, tenacity, resilience, and light of others, on the flip side of that same coin. I’ve been fortunate to have people in my life that stand by me through everything I’m dealing with….and for that, I’m grateful as well.
I published this unfinished…so I will do just that. It may seem that I cannot view the silver lining in all of this chaos, but I can actually see it. However, it is in the form of lessons..even having a fallen angel in my face last night is a lesson. It was feeding on my anger, you see..which they will do, if they are a lower ranked one, and therefore, weak. I survived it just fine…but I do believe that these events are coming to the surface to be healed and released. Even though it’s a real hassle when that occurs, to be honest. However, I digress on that mute point. It’s the lessons …that is the whole point. I’ve learned some powerful & minor ones, as well. Everything happens in it’s own time and place in life, if we allow it and quit resisting. I am very stubborn by nature and that is the whole concept under these events, to relax my will and let God handle things, which He will eventually, in his own way and time. Once He does, there’s a significant difference and peace that finds its way in, and the battles end….abruptly. He turns my battles into blessings that sometimes I notice, and other times I miss.
I am working on myself during this time and attempting to weed out the darkness that has settled into my soul and heart as a result of everything. Naturally, there’s anger stored inside as well….I have to also weed through that and pull it out, to the surface, to heal it then release it. That is what is attracting these dark beings towards me like a magnet….anger is a very powerful energy and at times, it can cause one to become hurt or put in harms way, which I am seeing for myself how it’s all interconnected. It has just taken me a long time to figure that out for myself. Although, I do have every right to be angry…and as angry as I am. However, the darkness isn’t too nice to deal with, its full of contempt, anger, evil, pain, doubt, everything that is the opposite of grace and light. (That is one sentence I didn’t think I’d ever write!) I think before this post becomes too long and I bore you to death, and therefore, lose readers, I shall end this here and then post it…finished this time. Most likely, I will write and post another….I really appreciate those that have stuck by me and read everything I’ve written thus far and endured the dark posts along with the lighter, happier ones. Until next time, Lisa. 🙂