I love to write and get my thoughts down…its basic human strategy to cope and heal. Even to commence the happy moments of our lives, we record them in some fashion. However I haven’t had time to write…I have two mid terms coming up soon and now I’m dealing with a cold. That’s life, eh? As you can tell by my previous post, I’m dealing with some heavy emotional baggage at the moment. I just went through a miscarriage on the first of January…my body is slowly recovering from that. The past came back and was gone again in the blink of an eye…for which I’m grateful. I’ve got so much on my brain so forgive me if this ends up winding around and going off in a separate direction that I had intended.
I have turned on some bonfire sounds….goes nicely with the image I am using for this post. I have had time to think this week even though my thoughts are on my mid terms…and other things. What I really need is time to just “be”..and even though I don’t have another work obligation until tomorrow night, with all the drama here and everything else, it can be hard to find that “time”. it can be even harder to incorporate it, seeing as I typically have very little in the way of privacy. But its needed…because I typically write to heal and get my thoughts down…and out of my head. I don’t mind taking you along with me on the journey, whether it’s a journey through particularly tough courses, or a journey through some event and on back down the road to healing. It just helps to write….and it helps knowing there’s some outlet for another person whose going through the same difficulties. Any names or identifying details are omitted. Those I will keep with me, private and locked away. No one truly needs to know them, anyways.
I’ve gone through a lot this year……most notably these last few months, and most especially these last few weeks. The physical pain was only half of it, although that was certainly severe enough. It’s the emotional stuff that needs addressing. It doesn’t need validation…it just needs me to recognize it for what it is, before I turn back into a mean and extremely angry person. I have started feeling better about things…and I’m starting to feel stronger as well. I forgave…how…I will never know, but I had help with that. I won’t go back on that either…but in the long run, it was needed. For clarity, for healing and for letting go. I have released most of the anger when I forgave….but I will most certainly will not forget. It’s been awhile since anything too dark has occurred here…and for that I’m grateful as well. I needed it to be peaceful and calm…so much has been up and down that its just been nuts. Its like riding my own personal roller coaster, non-stop. For the time being, I’m letting things settle before they pick back up again, and that is just reality. I’ve had it with the drama, arguing, tenseness….its just old. The way I see it is that this had to happen…but it was not intended to be in the way it played out.
In the end, intent matters even less. What matters is how I shaped it to be, whether I helped anyone with my experiences along the way, and by putting my story out there I am doing that, whether I know it or not. More support groups for dealing with a haunting are popping up now….(FINALLY!) and people are being taken seriously. The lag time on waiting has been shortened as well, I’ve noticed. Unlike when I was needing help and kept running into slamming doors. I’m very happy to see people with serious situations and that are in living in fear, receiving help. I cannot and will not credit my story for doing that…..but the expanding on consciousness this year is helping others receive authentic help. When I was starting out, there weren’t many support groups out there (I searched), and I kept running into slamming doors, so I know firsthand the frustration that brings about. Now just a simple search on Face Book or even Google will bring you to support groups, and webpages explaining what goes bump in the night, what you can do about it, and even more importantly, what NOT to do. Of course the sad side of this is that people need these services in the first place but that’s just a fact. Haunting’s are occurring at a faster rate simply because humans do not know what they are doing. Save yourself the trouble, and just stay safe.
Moving on….and I am, slowly. Its going to take time…and I’ve got a year to do it. Its going to be in my own time, on my own terms, in my own way…no one else’s. It has to be..its my own experience, not theirs. Its rough on a female to go through what I did….knowing the details I know….when you just end up questioning everything. Its certainly a dark place when you question your own faith, lose hope and just lose everything you held onto so tightly. But you somehow manage to get it all back….seeing the bigger picture is the hard part. That’s where the hard work lies…in really getting down to the nitty gritty of everything and finding out what makes you really angry in the first place about the situation, and its never really the situation itself. Its your own thoughts, your emotions, expectations. If trust was broken, then that’s half the battle you’re fighting right there. Somewhere in the midst of it all, the fog lifts and you start to see the bigger picture…and once you can pinpoint what you are so angry about, you can then work on resolving it.
For me, its taking time. It may take months, but that’s fine. Its my journey to figure out and I intend to do just that. Mostly it was the fact that the betrayal came from someone I didn’t expect….and never would have guessed. The trust will never be there again, and things will never be quite the same. But I suspect it was supposed to happen this way…supposed to play out just the way it has. For reasons unknown as of yet. I will figure them out as I go along, I’m sure. Meanwhile, I’m taking it slow…..healing is not an overnight deal, nor can you be healed from something in the blink of an eye. Physical healing (at least in my case) was pretty straight forward……but its the emotional healing I need to tackle.
There are days when I still want to watch the world burn…..just for the sake of watching it burn. There are also days when I really can tolerate humanity….there are even days I like the world as it is, flawed and all. Mostly I tolerate it…and humanity. Because not everyone is evil, dark and damned…most are bright, positive, and on the right track in life. Those are the people I wish to surround myself with, and I’m slowly weeding out the negative ones I have left in my life yet. They are being replaced with positive, uplifting, supportive ones…..and they bring peace, especially on the difficult days and the long nights. I’m hoping that in time that will all change….and life can be life again, without the added baggage. Here’s to hoping. …Lisa.