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This is a timely image that was on my Face Book news feed tonight.  journal

The last few days have been rough….sleep deprivation is hell, in a nut shell. I have spent most of the nights tossing, trying to get comfortable…which just leads to stiffness eventually. I have decided to tackle some of the more dicier issues going  through my head.There’s been so much incoming energy this week that its bringing issues to the forefront that need to be dealt with. Some of it I dealt with already, but its being re-iterated. I had already moved on but I suppose it needed to be gone over. For me, that door is closed and staying closed because there is absolutely no point in re-hashing it.

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The long, winding, curvy, turbulent, stormy, twisting, cruel, bitter, beautiful path back to myself.

This post is designed to be honest, open and different. You are entitled to either indulge or skip it entirely.

The storm came in with a blinding force with a set determination and a wind speed that blew away any preconceived notions I had set aside in my effort to remain ‘sane’. The storm blew in chaos, disorder, hate, anger, pain. It also came with a blinding shield that I donned with no hesitation. I was determined to just ride it out as much as possible and not deal with the aftermath, or any damage that resulted. The storm blew in a darkness that was so deep it carved open a hole that I would soon fall into. The path was covered in this deep, impenetrable darkness and the turns were winding and an outcropping of rock or stones presented themselves at every opportunity. I tripped over every single one and yet placed the blame on someone else, instead of realizing who the blame should be on. I was wearing the blinding shield …so I noticed nothing was amiss at the time. I couldn’t see or hear what was being twisted around me, from something beautiful and pure to dark and cold. I never stopped to take a look around or to question the obvious. I just existed in this dark underbelly of chaos and disorder while everything we had worked so hard for disintegrated into pure ash. The path I was on was destructive, not just to myself but to everyone around my immediate vicinity and in my life as well. The decay that was left was intangible….yet very much real.

I resolutely kept trudging along, content in the darkness and not being aware of the damage that not only existed, but was being re awakened in the fog that seemed to settle over absolutely everything I tried to examine. Every thing I questioned was answered in silence, riddles or ridicule. or even worse…a lie. I tried to examine things that were being questioned, things that couldn’t wait for a month or two before being fixed. Meanwhile, while searching endlessly for the right path out of this storm….every single piece of ground we covered was demolished and replaced with quicksand. Instead of rising from the ashes like a phoenix, we sunk deeper and deeper until rock bottom was hit. This storm was violent you see..and eager to cause destruction. It was hungry for darkness, chaos and spite. It was thirsting for attention, drama and conflict. If any one of these was not to be found, it was created. If something was found to be beautiful, it was dealt a quick blow and destroyed in a matter of minutes. Nothing was allowed to thrive and grow in this tangled heap. It was destroyed by fire, blood, sweat and tears.

Nothing would be left untouched…..everywhere one looked, there was burnt out piles of life, hope, and happiness. The anger that stemmed from this storm was merciless in its wit and quick tongue to remind all of misdeeds, instead of forgetting and forgiving. It was quick to lash out and cause pain….the target often times was innocent of the alleged misdeeds. However, that didn’t matter any. The justification was silenced with a constant belittling berating fury. At times, the wind calmed enough to gather energy and strength for the next imagined battle to give it claim. Soon thorns would emerge from the many branches that stretched out into the darkness, and those thorns would cut deep into any flesh that happened to pass by. The wounds inflicted were sure to ooze not only blood, but frustration as well. The thorns would illicit anger and the blood spilled would add to the decay that was prevalent in every direction. The ash began piling up on every surface covering more of the true path and making the journey arduous. The smoke from the fires of deceit filled the sky until any sunlight was blocked out.  The darkness crept in and turned day into night, and ushered in the shadows. The truth of the matter was hidden in an attempt to illicit events of the past to transpire…..you see, this storm had a hidden agenda. Seek and destroy all that dwell and tried to find shelter from the storm.

Unfortunately, this storm didn’t seem to have an ending…it persisted because change was resisted. The path was leading to a serial repetition of events long since transpired and exhausted, and I continued along blindly. Any attempt to question or confront the storm would end in a battle wound that cut so severely one didn’t make the mistake twice. Eventually strings would end up on my arms and I was strung along blindly in a jealous rage. Busy work would ensue to keep me from seeing the haunting truth. It would take many trudges through this dark and ruined landscape for me to confront the storm and implement changes that would disable the power it carried within its depths. When it was found that the truth outshone the dark power it held, it blew away to hide in its evil depths. The light poured hope into the desolate destruction that was left behind. Wounds were cleansed, bound and on the path to healing. Lies were brought to the light and cast out. The branches were broken off and burned, the thorns turned into rose bushes in the presence of the light and sunshine. The ash blew away, never to reappear. The winds calmed to soft, gentle warm breezes. Out of the destruction came beauty, and the true path. The path lead to peace and tranquility. It carries righteousness, truth, light, love, serenity and joy. The door to the other path is currently locked and sealed, so as the storm can’t get in.

This is the descriptive story of how I found the right path once again. The tale of how I’m attempting to put my life back together after the storm finally ended. The path led to myself….I just had to find it. Readers, if you find yourself in such a storm as the one I described, do not be hesitant to ask for help. Keep asking until you receive it..and remember that although humans may make you feel alone, the truth is that you are not. Its true freedom when you get away from someone that causes a storm such as this, but healing begins when you allow the lies you were told to be sent to the light and then cast out. We are here to be loved and to love….not to manipulate others. Until next time, Lisa. 🙂

Some changes.

Well….seems things are once again changing, but first they went in reverse. I had a severe disagreement with someone and that opened the hole I’m inside once again. However, the hole isn’t their doing, as it was opened previously by something else. So….therefore changes were necessary. I am currently retreated from the world for the most part, aside from my courses and daily interactions here, which are sometimes made difficult by others. Regardless, the hole is a rough place to be and live in. If you have zero prior experience with this, then you should consider yourselves lucky. However, if you are curious, I’ve done the leg work for you…and have brought back a link: (I test all links before posting for safety) http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/05/4ways-to-deal-with-your-emotional-black-hole/

Anyways….that is what I am dealing with. That disagreement opened up some wounds that hadn’t yet scarred, and created new ones as well. This is why they say the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. It can do the most damage, even via text message. When we do not stop to think before hitting ‘send’ …we can do more damage than we ever intended. Texting is a wonderful, often times silent, way to communicate. But when you are angry with someone, it can then be your ‘tongue’ so to speak which then causes damage that you may not be present to perceive. However, we have all made this mistake..myself included. I’ve also had this done to me,…we are all guilty of it at times. The best thing to do in the heat of the moment is to put your phone on airplane mode and take some space. (I don’t always remember to do that..unfortunately) but it prevents a lot of regret and missteps.

Its been my experience that hurt people tend to hurt people. I have done this myself. However, when I think back on this particular friendship I also note that it is not the healthiest one nor is it the best one I’ve dealt with. I’ve am giving myself a few months to really consider whether I want to have this in my life, or if giving it arms length is the best idea after all.  But the best option I believe at this time is just to keep it at arm’s length and see where everything ends up. I do believe that things will continue to be peaceful….sometimes its amazing what can change when we remove someone whom is negative. Also, I have a few things to work out in my life and within before letting this person back in completely. There are more than a few things that irritate me to no end about himself because I see them reflected in me. So, those need to be worked on and ironed out before I take that major leap once again.

I keep seeing past patterns re emerging…past events that have shaped my life for the last two years in fact. Two years! I still am surprised that things are still going bump in the night here. I started this journey in this room & house two years ago now…2013. It’s always amazed me that things tend to re emerge..long after we believe they have been removed. We’ve all given our time, energy, gifts, and talents to rid this place of the evil it has soaked up. Unfortunately evil has a way of saturating something so completely. Although we are trying our hardest to cleanse it,..there is still much to accomplish. Most of all, there is work to do on myself. If you have been following this blog and/or posts on this then you have a general idea of all this. I just have pretty much refrained from going into explicit details.

I have a responsibility to look within as well and determine where exactly things went so wrong…and I have been doing that for the last few months. I’ve found some not so pleasant things that have ushered in exactly what I do not want to contend with. I am going through some ‘growing pains’ but they are necessary. There is a latent reason this keeps occurring, although this should have been finished two years ago.  Either way I’ll keep searching to find out the reason..the core issues at hand here. For now, that’s my solution. There could be a reason I’ve forgotten long ago…but either way, it’s important.  Until next time, Lisa. 🙂