So I was laying in bed last night, thinking over the past week. Once I stopped long enough, I realized how ‘normal’ it felt in my room…and ‘normal’ my life has turned out to be. Everything has shifted into the right direction…and I am always grateful for that. I haven’t felt the momentum in here that is propelling everything forward until recently…and I know this time it’s going to stick around. I haven’t really given much thought to what’s transpired because I don’t wish it to linger into the present or my future. I’d rather be in the present and just see where this takes me. I haven’t felt any sense of normalcy in here in over a year but let tell you, it feels right…it feels like a normal room in a normal house. It just feels perfectly ‘right’ and I’m grateful for that.
Also…the silence. It hasn’t been truly ‘silent’ for quite a while now…and when I turn off the fans, and close the laptop, it tends to hit me. The true silence. A safe silence. I have dreaded silence for years….started liking it ..then ended up dreading it yet again. I have shifted into true appreciation of it….because there are no footsteps to be heard, no mysterious banging, no knocking, ….just…..silence. It truly feels right..it’s the silence that follows chaos, drama, negativity, and havoc. It’s the silence that feels safe, where you don’t have to listen or be attuned all the time. I don’t have to be on high alert…the word for it (thank you Google!) is hypervigilance. Now I just cherish the silence, especially at night. So now I relish the silence, when I choose to enjoy it. I of course do choose…because so often people dislike silence, but it’s in those moments of silence that we can find the answers we seek, or truly allow ourselves to relax. I have found that in those moments I don’t wonder, or ask..or even worry about anything. I just let my mind go quiet or drift..that’s the one thing that is the hardest to master. The mind. It can feel like the toughest bit of yourself to conquer..and indeed it is. But I have found that by investing in myself, I have little to no room or desire to look back or to even feed negative thoughts the fuel they need.
By investing in myself I have found true freedom…freedom that comes from no longer hiding, no longer needing approval from anyone but myself, freedom to enjoy my life and live it. I have also found that I can indeed walk two miles around the block and not only that..but enjoy those times, even when I’m walking up the hill twice and dragging myself to the house. 🙂 I have also found out that I should have accomplished this a year ago, and it would have really changed things for the best. But hindsight s always twenty-twenty you know. This time it feels right, like its at the right time, and everything has shifted to positive and encouraging. It just feels right..and it feels right to myself. I have invested in my education, and most of all, my health. By walking four miles combined yesterday, and walking ten miles total all week (two miles every day) …that adds up to 14 miles which isn’t that bad!! 🙂 I have found that this particular journey is right for me, and of course my journey is only right for me, and it isn’t suitable to the population in general. This gets me moving more and gets me out of the house, into the sunshine and around people….which really do not give a fig what you do in this neighborhood. They literally mind their own business and that is wonderful. It keeps conflict down to non-existent and allows people the freedom to just live their lives how they see fit. Pretty much how it is in San Diego in general. Live and let live.
I have found this freedom after enduring a lot of hell…and I won’t have it any other way. Because to change even a fraction of what I went through, would be to change the ending. The final result and that is not open for negotiation. I like the freedom I have now….as well as the peace. Life is better finally and I won’t accept it being any other way. Life is funny that way…it shows you the adverse reaction that you want so you may appreciate the ones that you’ve let slip by unnoticed. It takes noise to appreciate silence, chaos to appreciate calm…..and absence to appreciate presence. Its a funny thing for sure but if you don’t appreciate what you have, it can either be taken away or you won’t be content with more. Gratitude is at the heart of everything. Life has a funny way of teaching us this..and it will continue to do so if we don’t understand the lesson the first time around.
Okay so its taken me a full twenty four hours to write this….its currently 12:14 pm and I’m still on the same draft. That tells me where my priorities lie…such as sleep and watching season 5 of M*A*S*H*. Okay even though this is short I’m going to hit update and send it out to you, my readers. 🙂 Until next time, Lisa. 🙂