It was there….in the middle of the room….just sitting there, waiting for me to acknowledge it. I walked around it, ignored it, yelled at it to move, or just all out avoided it. Tossed rude and demeaning remarks its way…but yet it persisted. It stewed. With each remark the elephant grew more tense, and it would simmer and stew. I kept feeding it…unaware of the lesson underneath that it contained within its massive shape. I kept denying the elephant you see, and feeding it. Watered it. Made sure it was well fed and tended too. Yet, I gave it no attention….no curiousity. I kept on neglecting it…just building my life on other bricks. It would constantly yak for my attention…. needing to be dealt with in a timely manner. I couldn’t be bothered. I would blame the tension on others, blame the senseless (so I thought) acts of negativity on others. They were trying to help me..I was busy trying to deny their existence! If I wasn’t caught up in that, I was too busy being blinded to deal with said elephant.
Oh sure..it was inconvenient …this heavy feeling….the actions teemed to get my attention focused on it….after all, it was this huge elephant! But…I managed to ignore it for basically a few months. I would yell, toss out more demeaning insults…and yet it grew off that attention. It eventually became so huge that there was no more denying that there was a humongous elephant desperate to be attended too. I dealt with it in the wrong sense,…not seeing how I was imposing upon myself the consequences I was so angry about. I didn’t want to see my faults in all of this, you see. Too much stubbornness to admit I was wrong….to admit any wrongdoing on my part. Well…eventually that elephant all but stomped on me and I was forced to focus on it. Its intent and message was clear alright, but I was still determined, more than ever, to ignore it and place blame on someone whom didn’t deserve all the blame. I was skilled (by this point) at ignoring the elephant. It simply didn’t exist and the same game continued. This same elephant has sat in my room for almost a year and a half until I decided to really take a closer look at the ugly truth. I would spew out rationalizations….anything to disprove this elephant was indeed not only perched in my room, but also growing. Always growing. I would persist with ignoring it…and the vicious cycle would continue on and on…it would halt…then pick up again. It was a maddening cycle of which I was the cause. But yet? I still denied the damn elephant.
I would try to move onto other things..yet feel the heavy weight of this creature. The pull of its negative energy. The berating filth that would spew from its mouth like a vessel straight from Hell. There was no ceasing….that which will be denied grows only stronger..not weaker. As it sat, it began to ferment and smell pretty rotten. It left scars from the viscous kicks it would heave,..desperate for my attention. I would endure punishments that would aim to strengthen my resolve….which would lead to absolving ties with friends. The elephant, you see…would not be denied for much longer. it would sit there with its razor-sharp teeth and vicious, angry wit, …just waiting for an opportunity to strike and draw blood. It was blood-thirsty…and raged quite often. Yet nothing seemed to satisfy its ever raging appetite. It would attack and cease…attack and cease…cutting its prey into pieces before settling down to a mere boil. If anyone got close….they got the sharp tongue….and so everyone stayed a safe distance away. This elephant caused most (if not all) of the havoc, chaos and drama …..and left bloody footprints behind everywhere it went. No one was unscathed….yet the elephant would linger on for many months….fermenting, growing rotten and full of spite…hate and anger.
As you can imagine, no one was safe..not even myself. The elephant was to be denied no more..and erupted in rage one night and tore everything it touched to shreds. Made some wonder, others weary, leery, and just out of answers. Criticizing words and statements….blame placing….pure frustration and the sharp sword of evil would soon swing to injure all. But yet…I kept ignoring said elephant….kept denying its very existence….after all, I didn’t want to unleash all that emotion!! Yet night after night it would sit…leering at myself and everyone around me with evil contempt….no regret or remorse ever spewing forth….no apologies that sounded sincere would drip from its mouth. This elephant was never wrong, it never did wrong, so it never had regret. It was making my life a pure hell….far longer than needed. But yet….there it sat. Sitting in a pool of its own filth and rotten decay as it aged…sitting in a vat of its own evil…just sitting and leering. Waiting for the next person to sink its rotten, stinking teeth into. Eventually I ran out of room for this elephant to be further contained…..and all efforts to grab my attention to it until this point had gone unheeded. It would eventually explode into a fury of rage, blood, spite, anger, disrespect, hate…..and when it was spent…there wasn’t a single person that it hadn’t touched with its sword that wasn’t left bloodied in some way..a single relationship that wasn’t severed or ruined somewhat. The eggs everyone walked on (including myself) were mashed all to Hell. Every surface had blood, decay and eggs covering them….and the red eyes were no longer to be denied. One last rage was all it had left …this elephant needed my attention, it needed my understanding…my open eyes…my knowledge of this lesson. I had finally opened my eyes to see what this elephant really was.
The elephant in the room? My anger. It was as graphic as I’ve described here…only no actual weapons were used. The tongue is the sword…and words carry weight that stings..and wound viciously and very deep. It leaves wounds that do not always heal…or take time. It has the capacity to sever bonds, blind eyes, blind you from the truth and reality of the situation at hand….and to sever relationships. No one escapes unscathed. This is how I learned…and without the description….I couldn’t have put it in context. I have since learned the lesson…the hard way. I am also trying to work on myself so this doesn’t keep happening in the future. I am learning new ways to deal with old habits of lashing out when I’m angry…..and walking away. See..this elephant can no longer be denied…and now that I’m facing it head on…its simply a tiny elephant that needed to be heard. Now it simply roars…a quiet, harmless roar that I can deal with. Remember this …we are most often always to blame for anger issues (if we have them) . Until next time, Lisa. 🙂