So what?

*** I am writing this because I need to vent..but also because writing helps me get my thoughts out..which helps me heal. So if you have issues with that…refer to the title. ****

I have my limits on what I’ll contend with and put up with..especially as far as my personal dignity is concerned. See, we are taught that angels don’t have feelings..aside from love. That is wrong, on so many levels. They have all the same emotions as us….up to and including anger. They are made from Divine light …but while they carry love as their main objective and energy…they also have emotions and if you haven’t encountered’re in for a surprise when you anger one. I have…and I don’t reasonably recommend you do this. I am writing of this because of recent events in my life…I have been dealing with trying to maintain my own peace and my own calm demeanor despite a turn of events that I didn’t anticipate. I need to keep on the path I’m forging ahead….one of peace and calm, with love as the main antidote. I’ve been warned several times that not feeding my anger is not the best idea as it will just fuel negative events and energy. Unfortunately when I’m seriously heated, …that logic doesn’t work. I tend to shove it aside and say what I feel…sometimes to my chagrin and the detriment of others. :/ I would love the opportunity to just say “so what?” but given my life atm and my genetics I’m not afforded that opportunity to toss caution to the wind and say heck with it. I need to maintain a calm and peaceful life…because lets face it..I live in a room with a direct portal to Hell….and if given enough energy will burst open, as has already occurred.

Once that is left open long enough…all manner of evil comes waltzing in and I’m left being hurt all over again. I’d rather not repeat that for a tenth time. Nine times was sufficient,..really. So for now I have turned to writing to release pent-up emotions as keeping them bottled up isn’t healthy. Neither is pretending things are peachy keen when in fact its the polar opposite. I have come a long way…and while that’s true…there’s also other issues that need to be breached. I have anger  built up from everything I went through….and I am in the process of working on this because my anger is bone-deep. I tend to lash out at people (including angels) and it isn’t a healthy situation for anyone to be involved with. Regardless….I am a work in progress and I believe that I have the right to live in peace…calmness..and just “be”. I became so far down due to this last round of attacks that death came knocking….literally. If you have a picture pop in your head of the reaper you’d be correct. I have vowed and promised myself that I would never become that depressed or suicidal again. I haven’t admitted that part of this to anyone outside of my immediate circle….but I was that far down.

It was very hard to pull myself back out and begin all over again…..but I managed it (with help) and determination to continue fighting that damned hole everyday. The hole is deep…dark and pretty lonesome. If you get down as far as I can stare out a window and literally tune out the world or anything going on or being said around you. It’s literally a form of selective hearing. That’s when you know you’ve hit the danger zone….and that led to a private event that literally made me wake up and start fighting all over again. I felt nothing…no love, no anger…just a huge zone of emptiness that would never cease no matter what remedies others by my side or myself tried. Truth be told…that hole and that vast dark space still resides in me…but I made the decision to never enter it again, willingly. To withdrawal is one thing…but to give in to that vastness is clearly something else. I have and always will credit God and his Angels with saving me ….I didn’t do that on my own, so therefore I won’t take credit for it. I have never felt further from Him as I was then…but His words chosen for me helped me see the bigger picture. In fact they were “Child…think of your loved ones. There are other options”. I have never forgotten that night and I most likely never will. He is there…you just have to seek Him out.

Since then, there has been conflict….both internal & external…and I am working through both. I felt pretty alone…and truth be told i wasn’t. But it sure felt like it at the time. I have since tended to feel that way at times…its a hard battle to fight…one that sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose. But I remain alive to fight another day….and while I won’t pretend to my readers that it doesn’t become difficult or stressful…it does get easier. Negative shifts to positive and back again….I still tend to let my anger get the best of me….but I have learned while talking try to remain calm. Anger can be very dangerous if left unchecked….but I have also learned some ways of dealing with it as best as I can. Behind my anger is a lot of deep hurt…that I use anger to cover up. I use anger as my shield when I’m hurt or vulnerable…it keeps others at a safe distance…and lets me feel what i need to do to move forward. It also tends to give me a creative outlet..when I choose to utilize that. Such as now…a good example is this post.  I have also learned that anger does more damage to the one holding it than anything/anyone its poured onto.

Anger is a healthy emotion..if tamed. If left unchecked anger is extremely destructive…and self destructive as well. It can and will serve to ruin everything you have going on for you..relationships included. It strains …and ruins ties,..burns bridges. I have had to let it fade…and drain from my system. The negative energy associated with it became too draining and  I couldn’t contend anymore…so I let it go. That is simply the best recourse. However I will admit I still become angry….and I still say things that anger a few…but I have come so far from when I began this fight for my life and sanity (and peace) a year ago now. I still have an unchartered path ahead of me…and I have no idea what to expect along the way. But I refuse to jump back on the path I was already on for far too long, and I won’t allow anything nor anyone to detract me from that. Nor is anyone who is dark or negative allowed on the same path as myself. It took an awful lot of work by me and the angels to get me on this path I’m on….and there is no viable reason why I should deter from it. Darkness can reign you in like a cocoon but eventually you will emerge a butterfly…..ready to fly on your own & rise above. There is strength hidden deep inside every one of us……..if you turn fear into strength it will sustain you. I’ve learned to do this…and did it when I had no other reserve of strength left. Once you do what you fear you cannot….you can do/accomplish anything. The human spirit/soul is very strong and resilient…its one of the best things about us. You may crack..but you decide if you break or not. It’s the beauty of being alive….and to think I almost let that slip out of my hands…is a scary concept.

I’m finding my way along…with a dent in the plans as of late …but I am hanging on, and trying to maintain my peace this time around. I am much better off than I was…but I do need to write to heal…and I need to get my words and thoughts out…whether on paper or in digital format such as this. If you are left wondering what I survived…you can refer to the archives to go back and find the posts from last August. I believe they begin there. I’ve had a lot of crap thrown my way….things that at the time I didn’t think I could survive..but I have. I came back stronger each and every time….and I always come out fighting.  Life can get very dark….but you can heal from just about anything..given time and the opportunity. This house changed me into someone I didn’t like…I was angry, mean and very hurtful. Before I came here..I would have scoffed if you had mentioned I would turn into that person. Now? I know better. I have finally become someone I can accept and love, plus like. The authentic me….that was in hiding. Whatever doesn’t coincide with that, is not allowed in my life anymore and I have been noticing people are literally falling away. They are just slowly creeping out…and I allow it. For too long I let negative people in my life…without even being aware of it. Now my circle is changing ..and I’m keeping it positive. it’s literally for my own good. Once you decide to be your authentic self, people who do not vibe with you tend to leave….and the real ones stay. You find out they’re the ones who want the best for see you succeed and be happy. They will be there during the dark times and lighter ones. Those are the ones worth keeping. The rest? Let them fall away….its not worth it to keep dragging yourself down. I’ve learned this,…the hard way.

I have found that life throws you lemons..but you just sit back and make lemonade with them. It makes it so much easier….life becomes so much simpler when it lightens up and you feel true freedom to express yourself and to spread your wings. Given time ….that freedom helps you grow. Its helped me grow….and its allowed me to see that I needed this experience to become what I am…and who I’ll be. Sometimes life changes and I’ve had to learn to cope with that…and make alterations if needed. It doesn’t come with any instruction manual or step by step guide..but life can be plenty enlightening. I think for now I’ll end here….until next time, Lisa. 🙂

4 thoughts on “So what?

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