New Plan, New Path.

So last night I decided to head into an entirely different direction than I have been up until now. I started a plan for the next few months since I have the time to devote to this: Business courses (the MBA path I was on), The GFC (Global Freshman Courses) I have signed up to take, my Write101X course I’m currently enrolled in, my career portfolio and of course applications. It gets my head onto the path I’m on and off the path I don’t belong on anymore. In doing so, I take myself out of the equation and therefore I don’t have to deal with the negativity so much anymore either. It’s just a better idea, and I’d rather invest in myself than invest energy into the supernatural world….which doesn’t have power unless given some.

I have signed up to take MBA-oriented course again because I was taking them..and got drastically off course. I don’t mind taking a history course but…when the one you’re currently taking ends in a few weeks…..well you’re better off letting it go and taking a better path. It’s just time I honestly invested in myself….and its nice to leave the past where it belongs…at least in my head. This is also a really good platform to track my progress (in words/posts) on this path and these courses. So we shall see where this path leads…eventually. Every path leads somewhere….I just have yet to find out where this one leads, and that is fine. Its the journey that counts in the long run anyways.

I decided to take charge and let this path have my attention….instead of the other way around. I have a few months to make sure my life goes on this path so I might as well take it. We shall see. Either way, where I’m headed now is so much better than where I was.. and its better than being lost in the confusion and the haze I was in for far too long. Now I know where my life’s headed and I can put  energy and effort into making this concrete and solid. In other words out of my thoughts and into my own reality…where it makes sense to me, and that’s all that matters. it’s definitely time to turn over the proverbial “new leaf” and just move forward in life instead of being stuck in the rut. That rut is deep…..and has been dug too many times. I discovered all of this while thinking these last few nights on some advice I was given….and once I got past the frustration of being under orders..I saw the message that was being delivered underneath it all.

I’m not writing this post to preach to you but I am shedding light on my ideals and my thoughts simply for myself. it is always helpful to have someone on your side as you begin in a whole fresh direction in life and so I bring you all along with me….and a few select friends as well. I’m being very selective this time so I am not pulled along on the wrong path or get distracted all over again. For years I’ve wanted to get a solid education…but when I tried, I was diverged by other people, or more accurately..other responsibilities such as a family and all of their commitments and milestones. Now that I have time for myself I am making a commitment to myself…and just investing my energy into that. Period. No ifs, ands or buts. No exceptions. Eventually,  people who do not follow the same path will eventually fade away or fall away….which has already started matter of fact. I’m just watching them fade….because they no longer serve a purpose in my life and I’m not willing to hang onto anyone that doesn’t wish to stay. No point holding someone back as far as I’m concerned…I was held back for too long and I know how frustrating it can be. It’s just not where my life is headed anymore so…..the quicker they fall away, the better.

I have also decided to not participate in others’ drama…they can suck you in and then judge you for being upset at the issue. It’s not worth it….I’ve learned people can make drama drag on for months, maybe even years…just to get attention. I don’t have to be sucked in nor be involved, and my life is smoother due to that change. It is really sad that adults love that drama..but really all it does is narrow your view, pull you in and sucks the life out of you. It also serves to take the focus off yourself and puts it onto the issues of others….rare is the person whom decides to avoid it and goes their own way these days. It’s not worth it to me. I don’t have the energy for meaningless conversations that just go around in circles….or serve to steer me off my path. No way, no how. If you find yourself on this path yourself you will find that your life is much more peaceful and centered. You might also find your purpose while you’re at it. 🙂


Sunshine and a summer evening.

I’ve decided to write this time…because it does help me out in the long run to heal..and its gets my thoughts out instead of them erupting into anger and causing problems. Last time I didn’t do this…and I paid the price dearly. So this time you will be with me on this journey and you will be able to read my emotions as I go through this, sometimes day by day, week by week or month by month. I figured I had made some progress already as it was..but unfortunately that progress seemed to erased. However, I have decided not to let that be the case. I refuse to give negativity a power it simply doesn’t possess. Nor will I be chasing anyone….Divine or not. I’ve decided to walk this path alone…and maybe that’s what I need to do, to find myself again and to heal my heart and my self. I have decided as well that anything less than what I deserve won’t be acknowledged, as that as well gives it a power it doesn’t have itself. Lessons learned and picked up along the way. I don’t know…. we shall see…..

Tonight is a nice summer evening….the breeze is just right…and there are kids playing next door, they had some country music playing. It seemed to fit right about then. Since I started writing this post once again, I have turned on some really nice, smooth blues music. I have been trying to write this post for hours..but decided to come back to it once I got started. I’m still angry….and that anger unfortunately gets in the way of writing. It’s nice to get the words out but when I’m that angry I have found its best to just do something else until I am calmer….then the words just tend to flow. It’s that same anger that I am trying hard to overcome and release. It’s mostly built up frustration…and anger. I was told recently in a dream, regarding a situation, that it’s an adjustment period. If that’s the case, then it shouldn’t be so frustrating. It is nice to be able to enjoy a summer evening for once despite recent circumstances that are still on my mind. However, answers are still pretty foreign at this point. Regardless, its nice to be able to see nature and enjoy it. Usually on summer evenings, I’m inside listening to music or working on my laptop,…or just surfing the web….maybe taking a nice shower. In other words, ignoring what’s going on right outside my windows. I haven’t taken enough time to really enjoy the outdoors like I should…but tonight that was different. I didn’t stay out long enough to catch a sunset but the evening is nice, regardless.

So much is written about summer….the evenings that just drag on till 9pm…the warm nights (I can attest to those) how the days turn into endless days piled onto one another until you forget the day of the week….bonfire, the beach, sand castles, family vacations, theme parks…etc. There’s a reason for it…the season holds so much magic….that given the chance to be enjoyed can really give you some lasting memories. I still have fond memories but I have made newer ones as well….earlier in the Spring I caught a baseball game with my mom….they lost (horribly) and we had trouble finding our seats but all in all, we had fun. That’s the point. Summer is about the long days, the sunshine, perhaps the ocean….long days, long relaxing evenings….as a kid it was my favorite season. Despite the heat…it was long days of fun with my friends, countless sleep overs and long days spent having fun…and camping out as a kid. It remains my favorite season despite the heat., I hope you all make good, lasting happy memories this season…its what it’s all about after all. 🙂     Until next time..Lisa. 🙂

The ordinary….

I was thinking of writing a post and that title just popped into my head…”the ordinary”. Well there’s a lot of value to be found in the ordinary…the everyday baseless, nameless moments that pass..sometimes noticed..sometimes unaware, gone forever. Just like words you cannot ever regain the moment once its gone and do it over another way. You can however prevent the moment from slipping away and becoming lost in the past. The ordinary has beauty in it, always. Even if it’s the most boring …when you look back in fondness, it’s not the boredom you remember…but the memory itself.

Everything has value….and so does everyone. But, I digress here. The moment, the everyday lives, the priceless moments can be gone over, glossed over and lost to eternity. The point is to slow down enough to notice them and not them slip away. There’s a saying I’ve seen a few times that basically says “If you want to be part of the beautiful memory, you have to be present”….I forget who says it by now but its the truth. Life tends to slow down when you allow it too..and I’ve learned that the ordinary moments of life…a conversation online, a text from someone, a phone call….or just spending time with someone are much better when experienced in the moment. I learned to slow down and enjoy my life…whatever it may be at this time…and when I did I started noticing (finally) the small things….a feather …a butterfly…the taste of coffee (when I’m not drinking it while walking six blocks in a rush to get kids off to school on time). The sunshine ….the breeze….even the most mundane things like being able to relax in the mornings if I wish too and not rush off somewhere….watching a sunset if I choose too….or just taking time to heal myself…those are the moments I was missing before I moved here.

Those moments make up the ordinary…the baseless, timeless..nameless moments that were once lost to me in the rush and hustle of the city. The city life I once loved has been replaced by the love of rural life. Albeit the price is high….but in the long run its worth it. I’ve asked myself (and the Divine) numerous times what the point off all this mess was/is…I received silence as a reply because only I can answer that question. The answer is in the moments…both big and small..where I find my strength, what I’m capable of…what I’ve survived, the good I’ve done..the mistakes I’ve made along the way…..the people I try not to hurt…..the moments I’ve made into memories that are close to me and dear as well. I’ve learned to cherish the small things….sometimes as small as a feather to some…becomes meaningful and holds value to myself. The Dali Lama is quoted as saying “I’ve been asked what have you gained from prayer? Nothing..but here’s what I lost: ego, pride, fear, anger” (I don’t recall the exact quote and also cannot find it to write it exact.) Anyways you see my point I’m sure.

It’s the small, timeless moments that we usually let slip by us…I’ve learned to live in those moments and stay in the present. The best thing about the present is the peace…and that is what I was seeking for so many years. A bridge from the hectic and chaotic to the peaceful times and slowing down. It took me a year to really enjoy living out here in the rural areas. When I first got here what struck me the most was the silence…the stillness….and how people tend to really mind their own business. I was used to a bustling house and neighbors and friends in and out daily, plus tenants…it was akin to a circus. Everyone knew your business as well….while out here its the opposite. We hear traffic..but its usually quiet unless there are sirens…you hear more birds than anything. At night, especially during the summer…you will hear crickets and usually frogs from the reservoir. That has become one of my favorite sounds. We have neighbors but they are so quiet….it’s a sleepy town basically. We’re technically not on the map..we’re a census designated place! So…we exist but basically on the outskirts of the big city, which I truly appreciate.

When my life gets too chaotic or hectic..I think back on the first white feather I found and remember to take things slow, and to remember its the ordinary, slow moments that make up what’s the most important. I have learned I connect the strongest to nature..and it grounds me once I connect to it. I have learned to not only love the quiet….but to value and treasure peace above all else. The way I live my life now is shaped around that…and I won’t allow anything less than that. I’ve lived through the polar opposite too long. Sometimes, we have to have the rug pulled out from under us, and the wool pulled over our eyes, and be lost in the darkness, confusion, chaos and hectic life before we find out inner strength and our peace.

I have also learned there’s a beauty in letting go…whether that’s a friend, family member, or a way of living. Sometimes we grow stronger by merely letting go and setting free..rather than holding so tightly. I had always had people running in and out of my life, there one day, gone the next. It took me some lessons to learn that if you let them fly away, it’s for the best. Also letting go of something not meant for you allows you to grow and become that much stronger for it. I have become much stronger due to what I’ve learned, experienced, seen, heard and felt. It was like sandpaper…..and it did me a world of good. At one time I thought nothing of hurting someone whom had already hurt me….now that isn’t my mindset. I held onto grudges for too long instead of making peace….and letting karma do its thing. When I found my peace, my life fell back together…slowly….piece by piece.

I often try to bite my tongue before saying something hurtful…I find usually a well-intentioned look is good enough. I have also learned to stay calm unless the situation warrants otherwise…and it rarely does. Not everyone living in a room with a portal to Hell would think so, but it changes your outlook & perspective, You learn real fast that negativity ushers in negative experiences, as well as positive energy ushers in like. The same can be said for anger….that’s the most powerful emotion we humans have….and when that’s can do some serious damage that unfortunately cannot always be fixed. In this situation, its made me stronger….and I’ve found out just who and what I am. Before any of this, I had figured I just had some strong intuition that was rarely wrong. I found out soon enough that it was so much more than that, but I had always relied on my intuition and truth be told, I still do. If something feels wrong, it usually is and there’s no accounting for it otherwise. Experience is your best teacher, and no one can prepare you for when evil comes knocking on your door. The only thing you can do is have faith, know that the storm ends ….and that peace can be found and lived and gained once again. Life has a funny way of reminding us of these lessons as well…..and lessons will repeat until they are learned.

These are the things that I’ve learned from so much exposure over the last year and a half…that sometimes there is great beauty is falling apart and being forced to decide whether you pick up the pieces of your life or just build anew and start over. You have a say in where your life goes…energy flows where attention goes…and we all get to fall apart completely and start anew…..thankfully. I have started on the right path….and I am learning a lot along the way. Its been quite the journey so far, and I’ve learned that no matter what…you will sometimes find yourself on the wrong path but you will also have the opportunity to jump ship and begin anew on the right path for you. Also remembering we are all connected as One…goes a long way to finding peace. It took me almost too long to know this Truth….but now its part of me, ingrained on my soul. I had to unlearn everything I had been taught and re learn new ways of thinking, being and living. I have learned that it’s the ordinary moments that seem countless that are the most important…and where you will eventually find yourself. I am now finally, the authentic me…the person I’ve always been. Not the person I turned into. I found myself..and that’s the greatest gift anyone can lead you too..and its the best gift you can give yourself.

There’s a lot of talk nowadays about living in wholeness, about the soul, etc. I’m not here to shove that down anyone’s throat…but I am willing to bring you on this journey with me as I go along and learn, day by day. Or unlearn, as the case may be. In knowing yourself, you can experience freedom and not really care what anyone else thinks, and that is the greatest mental freedom anyone can have. Being limited is the way of the ego, its a lie. There are no limits….but no one can teach you must learn and come to this conclusion yourself. You are welcome on my journey through this life…and on my path. Life is what you make of it..and its full of the small priceless moments that should never be taken for granted. As well never take anyone for granted…you never know when that person will exit your life for good, and they will become a stranger to you once more. I’ve had this happen…and now I’ve learned. Until next time, Lisa. 🙂

So what?

*** I am writing this because I need to vent..but also because writing helps me get my thoughts out..which helps me heal. So if you have issues with that…refer to the title. ****

I have my limits on what I’ll contend with and put up with..especially as far as my personal dignity is concerned. See, we are taught that angels don’t have feelings..aside from love. That is wrong, on so many levels. They have all the same emotions as us….up to and including anger. They are made from Divine light …but while they carry love as their main objective and energy…they also have emotions and if you haven’t encountered’re in for a surprise when you anger one. I have…and I don’t reasonably recommend you do this. I am writing of this because of recent events in my life…I have been dealing with trying to maintain my own peace and my own calm demeanor despite a turn of events that I didn’t anticipate. I need to keep on the path I’m forging ahead….one of peace and calm, with love as the main antidote. I’ve been warned several times that not feeding my anger is not the best idea as it will just fuel negative events and energy. Unfortunately when I’m seriously heated, …that logic doesn’t work. I tend to shove it aside and say what I feel…sometimes to my chagrin and the detriment of others. :/ I would love the opportunity to just say “so what?” but given my life atm and my genetics I’m not afforded that opportunity to toss caution to the wind and say heck with it. I need to maintain a calm and peaceful life…because lets face it..I live in a room with a direct portal to Hell….and if given enough energy will burst open, as has already occurred.

Once that is left open long enough…all manner of evil comes waltzing in and I’m left being hurt all over again. I’d rather not repeat that for a tenth time. Nine times was sufficient,..really. So for now I have turned to writing to release pent-up emotions as keeping them bottled up isn’t healthy. Neither is pretending things are peachy keen when in fact its the polar opposite. I have come a long way…and while that’s true…there’s also other issues that need to be breached. I have anger  built up from everything I went through….and I am in the process of working on this because my anger is bone-deep. I tend to lash out at people (including angels) and it isn’t a healthy situation for anyone to be involved with. Regardless….I am a work in progress and I believe that I have the right to live in peace…calmness..and just “be”. I became so far down due to this last round of attacks that death came knocking….literally. If you have a picture pop in your head of the reaper you’d be correct. I have vowed and promised myself that I would never become that depressed or suicidal again. I haven’t admitted that part of this to anyone outside of my immediate circle….but I was that far down.

It was very hard to pull myself back out and begin all over again…..but I managed it (with help) and determination to continue fighting that damned hole everyday. The hole is deep…dark and pretty lonesome. If you get down as far as I can stare out a window and literally tune out the world or anything going on or being said around you. It’s literally a form of selective hearing. That’s when you know you’ve hit the danger zone….and that led to a private event that literally made me wake up and start fighting all over again. I felt nothing…no love, no anger…just a huge zone of emptiness that would never cease no matter what remedies others by my side or myself tried. Truth be told…that hole and that vast dark space still resides in me…but I made the decision to never enter it again, willingly. To withdrawal is one thing…but to give in to that vastness is clearly something else. I have and always will credit God and his Angels with saving me ….I didn’t do that on my own, so therefore I won’t take credit for it. I have never felt further from Him as I was then…but His words chosen for me helped me see the bigger picture. In fact they were “Child…think of your loved ones. There are other options”. I have never forgotten that night and I most likely never will. He is there…you just have to seek Him out.

Since then, there has been conflict….both internal & external…and I am working through both. I felt pretty alone…and truth be told i wasn’t. But it sure felt like it at the time. I have since tended to feel that way at times…its a hard battle to fight…one that sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose. But I remain alive to fight another day….and while I won’t pretend to my readers that it doesn’t become difficult or stressful…it does get easier. Negative shifts to positive and back again….I still tend to let my anger get the best of me….but I have learned while talking try to remain calm. Anger can be very dangerous if left unchecked….but I have also learned some ways of dealing with it as best as I can. Behind my anger is a lot of deep hurt…that I use anger to cover up. I use anger as my shield when I’m hurt or vulnerable…it keeps others at a safe distance…and lets me feel what i need to do to move forward. It also tends to give me a creative outlet..when I choose to utilize that. Such as now…a good example is this post.  I have also learned that anger does more damage to the one holding it than anything/anyone its poured onto.

Anger is a healthy emotion..if tamed. If left unchecked anger is extremely destructive…and self destructive as well. It can and will serve to ruin everything you have going on for you..relationships included. It strains …and ruins ties,..burns bridges. I have had to let it fade…and drain from my system. The negative energy associated with it became too draining and  I couldn’t contend anymore…so I let it go. That is simply the best recourse. However I will admit I still become angry….and I still say things that anger a few…but I have come so far from when I began this fight for my life and sanity (and peace) a year ago now. I still have an unchartered path ahead of me…and I have no idea what to expect along the way. But I refuse to jump back on the path I was already on for far too long, and I won’t allow anything nor anyone to detract me from that. Nor is anyone who is dark or negative allowed on the same path as myself. It took an awful lot of work by me and the angels to get me on this path I’m on….and there is no viable reason why I should deter from it. Darkness can reign you in like a cocoon but eventually you will emerge a butterfly…..ready to fly on your own & rise above. There is strength hidden deep inside every one of us……..if you turn fear into strength it will sustain you. I’ve learned to do this…and did it when I had no other reserve of strength left. Once you do what you fear you cannot….you can do/accomplish anything. The human spirit/soul is very strong and resilient…its one of the best things about us. You may crack..but you decide if you break or not. It’s the beauty of being alive….and to think I almost let that slip out of my hands…is a scary concept.

I’m finding my way along…with a dent in the plans as of late …but I am hanging on, and trying to maintain my peace this time around. I am much better off than I was…but I do need to write to heal…and I need to get my words and thoughts out…whether on paper or in digital format such as this. If you are left wondering what I survived…you can refer to the archives to go back and find the posts from last August. I believe they begin there. I’ve had a lot of crap thrown my way….things that at the time I didn’t think I could survive..but I have. I came back stronger each and every time….and I always come out fighting.  Life can get very dark….but you can heal from just about anything..given time and the opportunity. This house changed me into someone I didn’t like…I was angry, mean and very hurtful. Before I came here..I would have scoffed if you had mentioned I would turn into that person. Now? I know better. I have finally become someone I can accept and love, plus like. The authentic me….that was in hiding. Whatever doesn’t coincide with that, is not allowed in my life anymore and I have been noticing people are literally falling away. They are just slowly creeping out…and I allow it. For too long I let negative people in my life…without even being aware of it. Now my circle is changing ..and I’m keeping it positive. it’s literally for my own good. Once you decide to be your authentic self, people who do not vibe with you tend to leave….and the real ones stay. You find out they’re the ones who want the best for see you succeed and be happy. They will be there during the dark times and lighter ones. Those are the ones worth keeping. The rest? Let them fall away….its not worth it to keep dragging yourself down. I’ve learned this,…the hard way.

I have found that life throws you lemons..but you just sit back and make lemonade with them. It makes it so much easier….life becomes so much simpler when it lightens up and you feel true freedom to express yourself and to spread your wings. Given time ….that freedom helps you grow. Its helped me grow….and its allowed me to see that I needed this experience to become what I am…and who I’ll be. Sometimes life changes and I’ve had to learn to cope with that…and make alterations if needed. It doesn’t come with any instruction manual or step by step guide..but life can be plenty enlightening. I think for now I’ll end here….until next time, Lisa. 🙂

Some much needed rain…and some thoughts.

Well we are finally receiving some rain thanks to Hurricane (yes hurricane,not tropical storm!) Dolores. It woke up most of San Diego county with its early arrival…6 am. Thunder and lightning have been hitting us most of the day, relieving some of the awful heat and humidity associated with it. Fortunately, we seem to be having a breeze here as well…which for most of the morning, we didn’t. We seem fortunate to have this storm come through….California desperately needs rain!!!

On the thoughts aspect of this post….I wanted to divulge somethings that have been on my mind lately. I have seen and read some of the most vulgar, vile and negative posts lately…on sites such as chat sites and Face book. People have become so mean and negative…we’re supposed to be uplifting the world but it seems the evil is waging its own internal battle to diminish the happiness and light we all have. I say this…why do we diminish others instead of lifting them up? How about giving others a chance to reach their own happiness? Let their lights shine? It certainly doesn’t diminish our fact it adds to the light of the world and adds more value to everyone’s lives. When given half the chance….people can really excel at their life. But too many times, others wish to tear them down….pretend that doing so raises themselves up….which truthfully isn’t the case at all, is it? When is the last time you saw anyone reach a higher moral ground when they have insulted and demeaned another? Exactly…never. It just doesn’t work that way but our world is certainly full of it lately.

The hate in this world is so palpable that being polite is confused with flirting. Most people are mean as a self defense..and likely so. The animosity in today’s world is terrible….but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something that can be done to reverse it. They say it starts with you….and I’ve certainly known that to be true. I have been spending the majority of this last month working on my own issues..starting at the core and working outward. I have found some residual darkness inside and some anger as well that was blocking my light from shining through. I have also encountered some past lessons that I have stored away so as not be repeated, ever. They were unpleasant enough the first time! But I still have work to do and if I’m willing to face my own darkness and barriers…isn’t it about time the world did as well? The darkness is an illusion..whereas light and love are the real deal, the truth and the way. Now stay with me here as I’m not preaching anything to anyone,I’m just stating a fact I’ve found to be true in my own life & world. I have work to be done as of yet..and work that is waiting to be accomplished. But that cannot be accomplished until I finish what’s wrong with myself….and so far the results are tangible.

My life is more peaceful for now…quiet….and I like that. It the peace I’ve been wanting for the longest time…just the silence. No judging remarks, glares, cans slamming, or smart alack noises. Just silence and my ability to tune them all out. Its nice really and the break I needed. The weather has cooled significantly for now so I have finally turned off my fans…another thing that has been silenced. Except for my noisy typing and some background house noises from my room mates and the world outside…all is quiet. The way it should be…the way it will continue to be. 🙂   All in all , my work has been paying off in the long run…and I refuse to give what happened in the past any energy or power by acknowledging it. It just doesn’t matter now. What matters now is the here and now, the present…and the life I am building around myself. I have experienced more peace that I have felt in a year….and counting…and I am always grateful for that. It took a lot of hard work and long hours by all to reach this point. But I also have my hard work to thank as well…I have decided to have peace of mind over stress drama and negativity and as such..I won’t tolerate it around me either anymore. Nor am I living my life according to others rules…no way!!!! My life, my rules. 🙂

I am ready to just move forward in all aspects of my life…I’ve been held down & back for far too long. Well no more…and I won’t accept anything less than my personal freedom. Which I value and treasure. I don’t mind sharing my experiences with you because it might just reach out and touch the life of someone whose hurting..or going through something similar. They need to understand and believe, through reading my experiences…that there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel…and there is freedom that comes from surviving the storm. For the longest time when my friend told me it doesn’t rain forever..I didn’t believe it…and there comes such a bleakness, darkness and despair from not believing in that. I gave up hope…and when that dies, its like a physical pain ripping you in half. When I survived the storm..and found a feather….I got hope back and with it came courage to face adversity and strength to keep going. Now I know its true and can also pass along the sage advice that it really doesn’t rain forever, the sunshine does return and every storm runs out of rain eventually. I know its hard to believe when you are going through your own..but this is coming from a woman whom just survived her own hellish storm and came out stronger..with wings yet! Something so breakable and fragile…yet made of tough stuff…like strength to see you though life’s tough moments and allow you to fly. 🙂 Never let anyone dim your light….or take your freedom. Its all inside of you…and when someone tries to dim that, it’s because they are insecure themselves and need to keep you down. That all stems from insecurity…..but true strength is helping someone…and not letting them drag you down where you won’t grown and thrive. Strong people (and angels for that matter) help people up,..not tear them down. In the face of adversity like this its important to remember that others only affect us with our permission….and to vibrate at their lower level doesn’t do us any good. 🙂  Stay strong….and remember there is an end to all struggles…and all adversity.

Just breathe…..

I am slowly learning to just take time for myself & to slow down. For too long I pt myself dead last…and it eventually took a toll on me. I ended up being sick….time & time again. Then I would be forced to slow down…but only until I felt better. Then it was back to the grind of things. Now that I have two months to get my life back on track, so to speak, I can take time to just breathe and trust the process. I can take time to really learn what my course is supposed to “teach me” instead of having my attention diverted elsewhere at the same time. I really need to learn what’s best for me in the long run…not what’s best for everyone else. I am also learning to let go of the stresses I’ve been carrying this whole time. Stress is so bad for the human body…but especially over any given length of time.  I also have the chance to re assess what I am really looking for in this life…and while it is nice to be relaxed and have that inner peace..eventually there will come a time when I have to get back to the grind of things so to speak…and I will have to use the inner peace I am cultivating now.

I went through the darkness and pain again….but I came out stronger. I learned to stand on my own two feet and be strong because I had no other choice. I couldn’t afford to be weak….so I have built up quite a bit of inner strength. It’s nice to know that if I need it, its there. But for the time being….everything’s basically slowed to a halt…which is perfectly fine with me. I have learned to enjoy the slow times…because that’s what I wanted most of all. The slow times and the peace they bring…a chance to relax and rest before getting going again. The chance to just “be” and the chance to live a normal life for once. These are all things I’ve wanted for months now….and I intend to keep on going in the right direction. I am grateful to be sleeping on my own….without sleeping pills. Not only that..but sleeping well. I haven’t been off of sleeping pills in over a year…and I am grateful to be now. Heart burn issue aside..I’m grateful to be sleeping on my own once again.

I decided to wean myself off of the chemicals…in the end they were doing more harm than good. I was living in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation…I simply wasn’t sleeping enough. I also haven’t had a single nightmare in almost a month. 🙂 I’m very grateful for this fact. My sleep and peace of mind were stolen from me when this initially began…and now they have both been restored. As well as my safety….and for that, there’s no words. Just a feeling of appreciation and peace. I have also disconnected from some people..and that has also brought me clarity and the peace I’ve been seeking. Sometimes things take time….and sometimes disconnecting is much harder than it seems. Sometimes it’s easy….you just simply part ways conflict, drama,, arguing. That’s the best way really. At any rate..I just feel lighter most days than I have in almost a year….and now that I don’t carry around the memories….its definitely looking brighter. All things considered….I’m grateful and appreciative of the quiet while it lasts, but of course I have the hope that it will remain so.

At this moment that I’m writing this, I’m thankfully able to tune out the world….it’s nice really. 🙂  Its nice to just be still and let things settle as they will..and I’m letting the pieces fall where they will. I refuse to pick them back up….its easier to just move on with life than to stay stagnant. I’m no fan of the events repeating…so hopefully things hold & they continue to hold. Because I am just now working on gaining more patience..but I have nowhere near enough to fight any form of evil. Besides which, it’s summer…July! I began to feel better about things on the 4th…and so far that feeling has stayed with me more often than not. I was able to see some fireworks from behind a neighbors tree…but it was enough to make me enjoy the evening. Two brave soul were on top of their carport roof recording the fireworks..and some kids were playing at the local park here. It was a nice warm night…and it was just the sort of thing I needed. I have also cut out unneeded drama…and that has really helped my stress levels. Until next time…Lisa. 🙂