Summer and true feelings.

It’s officially begun. Its already warm here…..I say warm, some say hot. Even if its 90 outside, with a decent breeze it isn’t all that bad. Schools out for the season….but around here you can’t really tell much. It’s a pretty quiet, sleepy neighborhood. I prefer living out here than in the middle of the biggest city…its just so quiet out here and in my eyes, its pretty. I love the pine trees, the mountains that surround us and silence. Its a place where I’ve healed….and am now starting on a healing journey once again. Everything was fine and peaceful then unfortunately the haunting started back up again. I have dealt with it and the repercussions…including a few times of hiding in my “hole” (self imposed) and just trying to recover from too many nights of lost sleep. I’ve also started this demanding history course but atm I’m having trouble passing the mastery test to move forward in it.

Those are considered the good things..(minus the haunting) …I’ve been battling a weak will to fight anything more…..hmm…that’s the first time I’ve seen it typed out on this laptop….and it made me stop for a few minutes and really absorb that. In a way, I do want to live….a life of peace, happiness and tranquility. On the other hand…we keep removing the darkness and the toxic evil from my life…and it keeps returning. 😦  I am so fed up and frustrated with how things have been transpiring for the last year…..and counting that I get overwhelmed and at times….I just see things as bleak. Perhaps bleaker than they truly are. Recently I burned some bridges that I shouldn’t have…and I’m working on rebuilding those bridges day by day..little by little. I am working on trying to improve myself and my outlook on life so its stronger. But battling the darkness every night is the worst……even with help…it gets overwhelming. I love life but without the darkness and the fear of it returning. I had strength that was reversed from fear but that has since lessened. I guess in a nutshell what I”m saying is that I’m looking for the light at the end of the tunnel . Wondering where things went so drastically wrong a few months ago and in turn attracted the evil here once more.  Evil can kill…but at the same time it doesn’t have to physically “kill you” …it can just murder you day by day..slowly ebbing away at your peace of mind and your life.

it really sucks to have a portal to hell in your room….and its direct access. We have sealed it…but yet evil returns in many forms. I am not sure what gave it the invitation but we are trying to eradicate it. Its definitely affecting me and my health…but I am trying to reach out and push my way out of this. For now it just feels impossible and it seems even more impossible as time goes on. I know love conquers all…but this haunting has really taken away from that..  Either way I will survive and get through this…I just end up hating this hole..but at the same time its my safe refuge from everything. There is such a void in my life atm that I am having trouble filling. I know this a lengthy post but if your still reading and I haven’t lost you…then I thank you for making it this far. I just needed somewhere to get the feelings down ….and out of my head. Until next time.l..Lisa.

Reserved……

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The above image is from Summit Entertainment. But to me it fits the feel of this post. I have been thinking for most of today and I’ve come up with this: I have been really reserved lately. Why? I’m still figuring this out. I haven’t really chatted much lately, although I do have a chat room of my own, with mods and friends. I haven’t really been texting that much either..although some could argue that point. I had it brought to my attention today that I don’t go in the rooms (chat rooms) anymore….and that one innocent line from a friend really brought forth my thoughts from the last couple hours. Do we truly interact anymore with humans? Or are we beyond reserved? I’m not talking about the much talked out “offline interaction” (which of course is vital as well) ..but I mean online. Do we post? Some are far more active on my timeline’s than others….I read somewhere that we don’t even post most of the time..we just scroll. Why?  Well the answer may lie in our own lives…perhaps nothing to post about? Or do we simply feel its best to remain quiet & reserved? Perhaps a bit of both. I have definitely become more reserved than I used to be..and that doesn’t sit comfortably with me. Have we become so complacent as a society that silence is considered the new norm? Do we go through life as robots, just simply going through the motions or are we considered a more advanced civilization? I would hope it’s the latter and not the former…but one never knows, do they? My point of writing of this is because today it dawned on me that I hadn’t really been “typing” much in the last few hours…never mind this last week. Oh sure I’ve been online….and sure I’ve scrolled…engaged when I felt I needed too….but really, my mind wasn’t on what I was doing. It was clearly on other things…things that I cannot begin to describe with any authenticity….much less in a fashion everyone would understand. Perhaps if you looked back in the archives you would find a post labeled “My personal journey” ….you would then begin to understand what I am encountering all over again..but this time I’m not afraid to speak out about it. There are people all over the world experiencing this….and someone has to speak up for them.

The last time I went through this I remained unable to speak out and put a voice to the horrors and scary encounters I was dealing with. I couldn’t lend my voice to the support of others because I was too afraid. This time I have more strength and will speak out. Speaking out about this is most often times, the only form of support one can find. Whether you believe in this or not, one things’ for sure: your belief system doesn’t change our experiences one bit. Nor does it take away from it. Sometimes life changes…sometimes we become reserved…quiet….afraid to voice our feelings or experiences. Well, being reserved doesn’t serve me well..in the end it leaves me tired and questioning things that I have accepted as the “norm” for far too long. I actually made a “bucket list” on my phone last night for 2015..and one of the things i put on there..is to “quit living life quietly” . Point blank. That encompasses basically everything that I really need to focus on. It takes awhile to live life “out loud” once again but I am determined to do it. I govern how I live life for the most part and there are certain things in my life that I need to fix about myself. One thing is my anger…I’ve written on its harmful effects here….”On Anger (or what it can do) ” .  Its the most dangerous emotion we have …and outside of stress..it does the most damage. Please feel free to browse and read the entries I’ve linked for you. They describe it so much better than I possibly can (and yes, I wrote them.)

Sometimes life throws us curveballs but the best thing to do is to swing at them…I read that on Face Book today and its so very true! Standing there being pegged by them, being bruised repeatedly is pretty lame if you ask me. So bring out the biggest bat you own and start swinging at them..see how far they go before they land. You might be surprised…and might dodge some real bullets along the way, given half the chance. 🙂 Keep on swinging and dodging! Until next time, Lisa. ❤ 🙂

Spring Evening and the Blues.

I am listening to some Blues music on a nice warm Sunday evening in late May. The cat is asleep on my pillow and the dog is doing so much better. She got spayed on Thursday, her nails trimmed, and a rabies shot. The house is peaceful, the music and the weather is great. It’s these moments I wish I could capture and keep forever. They are fleeting but perfect. It’s these moments I choose to focus on….because honestly if life were made up of these moments…it’d be as close to pure bliss as possible in today’s world. It’s just so nice once in a while to have these moments…Life can be made up of these moments more often than not if we just stopped to realize them. If we just stopped the drama and took a minute or two to appreciate them and be present in the moment. Too often we let the pettiness and judgment stop us from enjoying life as we really should….to be calm and let peace reign. I’ve had plenty of these moments in life….ad I’m always grateful for them. They make the rough times easier to cope with when they come around. Its been a good day….and I just hope they can continue to be like this. 🙂 Until next time..have a good day. 🙂 Lisa.