Been thinking………

 Not over~thinking but some that I needed to do. Because for the last few months life around me was a blur..it was a haze of “do this and not that” moments. It was figuring out where everything was going for myself and my kids ( I wasn’t alone in the equation so they were considered as well). In the end, where they are is ideal and they should pull up their grades as well. I had to take a long hard look at what was really going on around me…for my own good. I felt like I was losing my grip on reality because one person was constantly distorting it and coming to me with the same old complaints. They didn’t want to move on nor fix anything..they truly enjoyed being “stuck”. As for me that’s the very definition of insanity…doing the same thing over and over yet expecting a different result each time. Life doesn’t work that way….and neither should it. Things have to eventually change for the better..I’ve learned that. I used to fear and loathe change..now I welcome it. As some of you know..my life completely fell apart over the span of the last year or so. Things changed, fell apart and they are slowly coming back together.

 It took me a year to really see the darkness that loomed in my life and to navigate it back to where it originated from and how everything pieced together. It’s very difficult to have a two-sided haunting …one is Native American in nature, and one is demonic. It tends to balance out eventually when one is removed. However, when one keeps coming back (the demonic) well….then it becomes a problem. However, I don’t see it as a problem now.. I see it as a chance to fix the mistakes I made the first time, to learn & grow. So….this way it doesn’t overwhelm me and drive me back into hiding like it did the first time, which wasn’t good for me or my friends. I literally checked out of all of my friend’s lives..people got married, had kids…even moved…and I was oblivious to it all. Crazy right? Not so much….evil can be a very heady thing to contend with, especially alone. It can send anyone into hiding!! But, I digress. The purpose of life is to move on and forward..to evolve, change and grow. That’s just the point of life..not to remain “stuck”. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to fail and that’s another thing I had to learn the hard way.

 One of these days I’ll tell my story so it can help someone else out in the same situation. Because I know that a haunting as bad as what I went through can leave you feeling extremely isolated, and like you’re the only one that’s gone through anything of that sort. But rest assured…you’re not. I have also and I came out the other side not once, twice or even three times…but seven. I’m still fighting off evil…but I retain my peace through it all. This time I’m not as scared or fearful. Don’t get me wrong..there’s still plenty of nights I jump when I’m touched unexpectedly or I feel the heaviness coming in….and I cringe. But that is progress and to be expected. I’m way better than I was and still healing from everything. That is going to take time but I’ve made significant progress. Everything takes time and I am trying to have some patience..most of mine went to fighting for my life.

 So…this is where I’m at….what you are reading currently. I am trying to get back to where I was before all of this happened to me..as you read back to some earlier posts you can definitely tell the differences. But all in all..things are looking up. I’m taking some coding classes as well as history. I used t dislike history class when I was a kid but now? It’s grown on me. So…I take advantage of that and earn certificates where I can and expand my knowledge. So far I’ve earned quite a few certificate in history, economics, and sociology. It’s taken me time to earn all of that but I finally have. Anyways…now that I’ve sorted out where I’m at plus where I’m headed in my life..I can finally sit back and relax and just focus on having peace and calmness in my life while everything gets sorted out. Eventually it will all fall into place by itself…it’s just going to in the right time frame. You can’t rush life..nor can you rush healing. It all happens gradually. The trick is to let it. So…don’t fight it..because healing is a natural thing. You can literally stop your own development if you halt healing too long. If you feel as though you need to hide while you heal, then by all means do so…just don’t let it extend for a year like I did. That is where it becomes unhealthy.

 So….just be gentle with yourself is my main summation on those points. Back to my main point…I have come far …as a human being…and I have a long ways to go. But all in all I am finally getting back to where I need to be…which is the whole point of course. I am just being patient with myself and taking my time, and at the same time making new friends and gaining an education. It took five years living in pure hell to get me to this point I’m at now…calm, peaceful..with my own room and furniture..plus my own bathroom. It took me even longer to learn to pick up my room…lol. But once I got that down pact, I was just fine. 🙂 ❤ Real change on the deepest levels takes time..and a real commitment to make it happen. That is when it becomes lasting change and it never reverts. So…I’m on this journey….and I like what I am finding out about myself along the way. Don’t be afraid of change…it can sometimes be your best friend in disguise. 🙂 Until next time..Lisa.

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Rain.

We are finally receiving some much-needed rain this weekend into Tuesday. Thankfully! We need it pretty badly out here..its been so dry…I’m beginning to believe the “desert” theory about California. (I’m sure you’ve heard it…that California’s essentially a desert region? No? Now you know.) 🙂  It’s a lot chillier than it usually is….its only in the mid 50’s here today. Usually it’s been in the 70’s and 80’s. Which is nice..but this weather is also nice considering the time of the year. Did I mention I was sick? No? Well…yes I am. It bites!!! I detest being sick as it is…but this year has been bad for it as it is already. Just last month I ended up really sick…and I was finally getting better & over it..now this. But at least my body gets the rest it desperately needs….that’s the only upside I see. I finally get to take care of my body. It is about time..now that I’ve set boundaries and limits I’m being bothered much less by needless small talk on my phone and in general. I do need the space to heal but to also continue to get my life back together the way it was before. Because for the longest time my life wasn’t anything I wanted it to be….and it still isn’t. But I am trying little by little to get it back together and make it whole again. Once I do that….nothing can seep through. I’ve dealt with my past….dealt with those demons (literally) and have made peace with it. I have moved on over it and let that bitterness go as it was just tainting my present. No point in allowing that to occur. It’s also been nice to be able to sleep…so grateful for that.

Anyways….I think I should definitely grab some tea and honey because my throats still sore. It’s been sore all week actually..and now this cough & congestion has set in. The weather doesn’t help much but the colder regions of the country have it much worse than we do…with snow drifts piled high as it is and much more coming in as I type this. For those of you affected by that, stay safe and warm, and definitely stay healthy. This year I’ve been sicker than I have been in a long while…..at one point I was sick for six months straight. (Yes..you read that right). That was a real drain on my body as well. I didn’t feel any better for about two more months after that. I finally ended up staying well and feeling better. The last time I was sick, I ended up better but then as time went on and the temperature outside & consequently inside dipped….I got sicker. I ended up with way worse congestion than I had originally beforehand. I do not wish to ever be that sick again. As it is I feel like I’m on my way there complete with exhaustion. Well I will end here for now..until next time folks..Lisa. 🙂