I’ve been wondering lately what became of the person I was before my life got flipped upside down, inside out and torn apart. Well the truth is this: She’s still here. She became very scared and very angry so she hid for a while. But no more..she’s coming out more and more. =) I’m stronger than I was ….which i am thankful for. I am learning to slow down and enjoy life more plus enjoying the small things. I am learning to expand my horizons music-wise and becoming more of who I am. I don’t need to hide anymore behind a screen or a wall…because the person that hurt me the deepest I have forgiven .I have decided that life is truly for the living …so I put the past away as they say. Might as well right? It gets me nothing more than heartache and anger, plus resentment. That isn’t me at all. I’m a loving person and a damn good student (when I pay attention lol).
I’m me…an animal lover, music lover, movie lover, and a damn good human. I like to help out when needed but I also know my limits now and I know when to slow down and take time for myself. I generally dislike a messy house but I have learned to give a bit on that as well. I hate it when people order me around or tell me what to do. I have my own beautiful room and my own bathroom (for once!!) and I have the chance to completely start over. I am coming out of a very deep, dark depression ,…..(it was to the point that I lost track of everyone’s lives for an entire year..I literally tuned them out. I lost touch/contact with everyone and just checked out of life for a while. It was pretty scary when I realized it.) Please my dear readers..do not ever allow yourself or any event in your life to push you down this far…its a very steep climb back out…and you cannot do it alone. You need support from friends at the very least. Please know there is help and support out there…if you find yourself at this critical juncture in life, like I did..please seek help.)
It took me an entire year to tune back into my friends lives….I missed a lot of important events that I should have been present for. It’s very rough and lonely being in that darkness and depression….it steals your life and claims it as its own. It steals your joy and interest in everything. I literally stopped talking to people..I had to force to carry on a conversation that didn’t consist of more than “Ya..yep…yupp..k..okay..okie…ya..sure…mmhmm…yep…ya…I’m fine.” Truth was I wasn’t fine at all. I couldn’t carry on a conversation or even talk to anyone …I had no interest in it. I preferred to stay quiet and observe..or just think about what I was facing.
This is what life doesn’t teach you..how to handle the darkest parts of it. However, it made me more resilient, gave me strength until I discovered my own and showed me how to turn anger into the strength I needed when I had none. It proved to me that people can be either one of two extremes: Psycho or normal. Literally there is no in between. I hope that does not come across as a blanket statement or offend my readers. If it does, then I am sincerely sorry. It’s just my own private experience. As you can tell I need to write about this and get my feelings out while I feel that I can. I am finally beginning to see the sunshine where I once saw a raging storm and finally…the little beacon that beckons me to keep going and fighting…that light that lives inside us all….called hope. 🙂
I finally feel “human” again after all these months of running on auto pilot and fighting. Life doesn’t have to be such a battlefield. It can be beautiful, loving and a calm experience. Life doesn’t have to be such a dark thing..there is light..there is love..there is hope. I have learned these things over a long period of time that taught me through the worst experiences…that those things about a person’s life never truly go away….they just fade in order to be protected but in the end when you are truly ready…they make an appearance. Sleep deprivation will rob you of happiness, your ideal weight, your looks, your health, and your mood. If you allow it. I was sleep deprived for a year. I’m still filling this deficit in my life.
I have been extremely fortunate to have a man stick by my side throughout everything in my life this last year. He’s loved me when I was not very loveable, stuck by my side when everyone else turned away or walked out, and listened when I needed him too. He’s truly a treasure in my life and we’ve been together now for over a year. =) I’m currently planning our wedding. So all in all things are starting to look up..I’m beginning to do better in my courses overall and have taken on more of a courseload this year. So I am hoping to be fully out of the darkness by Christmas or if not by next year. 🙂 Always remember, there is hope. 🙂 Until next time..Lisa. 🙂