I haven’t blogged about my journey in a while now….kind of wanted to venture away from that part of my life. Until now.
I have been trying to heal since my first post about my Journey that started last year. I have faltered, been hurt, tested and sometimes failed in attempts to beat back the darkness. However, it has since been a long, painful, tiring journey that has proved successful. For now. I say for now because the darkness tends to slip in when all is peaceful and calm. I have been physically, & emotionally hurt this last year but in all of that, I have found my strength. My strength to continue on when it seems so overwhelming and so at odds with my personal beliefs that I have wanted to challenge things that I thought I knew to be true, at every step of the way. I wanted peace as much as I wanted to kill the person who brought this on me.
However, I decided to forgive instead and allow that person to live and deal with the depravity of what they have done. In truth, we have all become faceless, soul less monsters as humans, some more than others. We have decided to live in darkness and negative emotions/feelings while life passes us by. I did for the longest time, until I realized that letting go is easier than holding on.
I have been through the worst only to arrive at the best. That’s how life deals your hand these days….backwards. As time passes it gets better…but that as well takes time. It’s not an overnight process to over ride your entire life. In truth, it’s a lengthy process that requires focus and time..plus persistence and keeping your eye on the prize…your new life. I’ve seen absolute darkness that no light was able to penetrate, and I’ve seen the opposite as well…light that no darkness can penetrate. After all they cannot exist together…the light chases out the darkness. Here is a quote from that previous blog entry I linked to: “However, here is what it did: It showed me that I am a strong individual whom can tolerate a lot of things being thrown my way and still survive, still wake up each day just to go through the same thing countless times each night. I am strong enough to survive and I have friends that are willing to do anything to help me have my peace and peace of mind restored.”
Yes, I wrote that and more on that entry. It was the first time I let any of my readers into my world here, to let on what I was experiencing and going through at that time. I am still trying to figure out who I am….it’s not an easy process when I keep being side-tracked by evil. At times I still fight the urge to shut out the entire world and pretend no one exists…as in I don’t communicate with anyone until I feel safe again. Before you ask, yes I’m tired of that. I’m tired of not communicating with my friends…I’ve missed an entire year because of this. I am trying to restore my life back to what it was …’Pre-haunting days’ and it’s not as easy as one might think. Some people would think I’m insane or crazy to think that it’s dang near impossible..but let me tell you: it is. Sometimes I feel dang near dead inside….like numb…without feeling. Its a bad place to be, let me tell you. It even blots out the feeling of love, which is the worst.
People I tell this to all tend to tell me the same thing: It’s normal…blah blah blah. Yes it might very well be a normal response to what I’ve gone through but me tell you: It really freaking sucks. It feels most days that someone sucked everything out of me….that made me..ME. Still picking up the pieces but I have been more determined to pick up and move on…from the past…from the last year. I can’t continue living in a self-induced isolation and pretend other humans don’t exist…such as my friends. I hate getting into that funk of silence as well..it’s not helpful at all. In fact I absolutely despise that silence. It totally goes against everything I’ve stood for in life..and that is to simply LIVE. Things are getting better around me which is helpful …but I need to do more work on myself so that I can be better than the person I was for a year. Anyway’s there is a quick update. Until next time..Lisa.