Why can’t you be happy?

I got asked this tonight and instead of being defensive, I took time to consider it and answer the best I could. To be honest, I’m healing ….and that itself is a full time process it seems. But that doesn’t mean that my social life has to be such slim pickings. I do have a full friends list…of people that I stopped talking to. Basically  in the last year my social life has been divided into two categories: My team…and everyone else. So now I have to cross over into the “everyone else” category and just determine to stay there. I’ve been so determined to just talk to my team mates this last year that basically I pushed everyone away that wasn’t them. I know it’s a cold heartless thing to do but they have all stuck by my side while I dealt with I had going on. Thankfully that is in the past now FINALLY…so now back to building my life back up. I haven’t done that much lately to work on that and I think I should start to put my energy back into that and get things back to how they used to be for me.  The easy answer to that is that my life changed and I’m still healing.

However,…the longer answer is a lot detailed and more close to the truth: Which is, that basically I stopped talking to and pushed everyone else away that wasn’t my “team”.  They became my second family…but they were the only ones who understood what I was going through. However, that limited and squashed my friendly social self..and I am very social as a human being ( I’m a Libra-we’re social) and so that truly attacked my spirit. It made me feel that the life I had before is gone and never attainable again, although that isn’t the truth. In fact, it’s an outright lie made by the one who tried killing me. My life is not only attainable, it’s there waiting for me to grab it again. By the damn horns. I was happier, busy yes but happier..and always around people. Now, if you watched a video of who I was then…you’d wonder what happened to me now and if that was the same person that appeared in said video. I wonder sometimes if that life was just a dream…but the truth is I had to hide to protect myself and now I have to really understand that I can stop hiding and really live my life. I’ve lived hidden away for so long now that I really have to struggle to re-embrace life and my friends, before I lose them. I’m truly grateful that they have stuck by my side for so long. Life has changed and gone along evolving without me truly noticing…but now my eyes are wide open. I feel like now it’s safe to re-emerge and I think it’s time too as well. I really need to come out of my self induced cocoon. One step at a time. Until next time..Lisa.

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