This post is inspired by a friend of mine (name withheld) that has been texting me this last month or so now. This person was around me for five years…and therefore knows the darkest parts of myself. However, they have one character flaw: they live in the past, and see it as idyllic. No reality seeps in…it’s all “rose-colored glasses”. I remember it very differently, however: I see the black spots, the memories conveniently twisted to ensure happiness and perfection.
When something is seen as less than their personal standards, it’s blamed on the other person in one way or another. They have determined that present reality has no place in their lives and therefore chooses not to live in it. I however, enjoy the present moment and choose to accept reality without sugar-coating it nor making it ideal. I just accept what it is and that makes it alright. The memories they choose to gloss over are the most damaging, and therefore the hardest to forgive.
I remember it as dark, bleak and fearful…nothing to be wishing or longing for. Certainly something to feel guilt over yes…but we’ve made our mutual peace with it. I did years ago…we were young and stupid. Simple. However, I guess that’s not enough…..for some people the past reflects something that the present may be lacking. Most people would find what it is and seek it out, or create it to embody the present moment and be able to embrace it fully. While others don’t. They miss the most important details and events surrounding them or choose not to participate fully because they are stuck in a past already lived, therefore never making new memories.
I remember more accurately the details….the grizzly details that they promptly forget….the long nights spent fighting….the long days of silence….the nights of knowing something was off. I remember all of this and more so to myself the past doesn’t represent anything more than me escaping a bad situation into a safer one. Me leaving with my life intact…but the rest of myself damaged. In fact, some of my body still held the bruises from the last fight. I remember the blow ups…the arguing..the swearing, the words that cut deep at that time. I remember the distance and the silence….the assumptions, the insinuations.
Life wasn’t all peaches and cream but at the time it was life. It was accepted so I could survive. My body remembers the five car accidents in five years….I remember a lot of details. I remember sitting alone in a cold house, with the table set…and finally putting the food away and blowing out the candles, and heading to bed. These details and more are conveniently left out of their memory. I recall …..it’s a shame that they choose not too, yet express remorse for the wounds sustained that left scars on my face and body. To me, it’s empty remorse.
They try to prove that they have changed, but I see the same personality quirks and traits that were there years ago. The only thing that has changed is age and locale. Otherwise it’s the same ole thing…the same ole re run. No thanks..I prefer the present…the light that I have found, the love, the freedom, the happiness…therefore not limited to a self-induced prison of living a life already lived. I have moved beyond all of that and finally healed from it….and let it go.
My present is bright and I enjoy it although it’s frustrating at times. I prefer to see reality for what it is rather than the nostalgia …..of years gone by, of lessons learned….and less than idyllic conditions. This, my dear readers, is called living in the present moment and not letting the past sneak up on you and ruin it. I prefer the “here and now” to what I’ve gone through and survived…and to anything else in my past. I have finally stopped running and have found what I was looking for. I wish this person the best and I hope they find what they are looking for in their life. But it’s just not for me…don’t live in the past folks. Until next time..Lisa. =)