My thoughts at the moment are extremely scattered….they land on one subject, stay there for a bit then fly off to something else entirely..leaving me wondering how to feel about anything outside my narrow scope. Tonight it felt like my entire world collapsed around me….although in reality it’s still standing up just fine, strong as ever. Life keeps moving …unaware of what I just came across that has threatened a decision I made to aid in moving forward. Unaware and blissfully ignorant of the pain and anger it has started to grow inside…the music plays in the background, the night slips on towards midnight….and the city closes its eyes for the time being, only to start all over again tomorrow with its relentless pursuits. I think for the time being the fact that the world stays blissfully unaware of what language can harbor inside a person and then release ….is most likely par for the course. I have tried to stop my thoughts from sliding back to this particular piece of paper but it’s worded so well that it sticks out more than the rest of the agreement.
I cannot go into the sordid details of the agreement however, it is worded as such to break a heart in a million pieces with no hopes of being put back together ever again and having to live with that because the agreement states that it has to be followed or the service your requesting is null and void. Words carry heavy weights sometimes and they can’t ever be taken back…once typed or said…or sent out into the void that is the Universe…or the internet as well. Be very careful on which words you use to describe anything or use to talk to another person. I have only felt the sting of words like this one other time in my life….and it takes time for their sting to lessen. Words have the power to either create or destroy. Choose carefully.
I am trying to make my thoughts land on something positive to change the energy output….but I feel like a huge hole has been opened and I’ve been pushed down into it with no hope of escaping. Tonight I feel very hollow and empty and just like I am in shell shock…stick with me readers and I will be back to my happy normal self soon. I was just thrown for a complete loop tonight and writing usually helps me sort my thoughts out and put them in logical order. Plus, it is helpful..which is why some of us blog, am I right? My life has changed in some ways over the last few days..ended a relationship that was headed to nowhere fast, revealed some very private things to a friend of mine, and yet it seems on the surface that nothing has changed at all.
My life is on the verge to becoming better very soon…light is going to replace and chase off the darkness for good. Happiness will be here to stay and mine to claim. I will behold victory over this battle that has gone on for the better part of a year now…but at what price? I look back at the damage that was done…and I question things that once held my solid belief. I just am letting things go that don’t need to be thought about or dealt with any longer…go. Things that are toxic…yet the feelings remain to this day and they are the hardest to deal with. My struggle has yet to define me as a person but it helped me become a lot stronger than I ever was before anything took place. My life has changed drastically but I am ready to embrace the new path and direction it’s taking on and the lighter energies of the present and leave all ghosts of the past where they belong..in the past. To die. They are no longer where I live..I am no longer that person. I am a mother to three beautiful kids, I am still a student….and I’m a friend and daughter. Those things define me…not my past.
My past is my shadow..it falls behind me and I don’t choose to live there anymore. I’m looking towards the sunshine…I have a temporary shadow over me because of some carefully chosen words that have the power to wound. But I will overcome this..as I have overcome a lot in the last year. This does not define me..how well I rise after struggling..however, does. Until next time…Lisa.