When your down in the deep hole that is darkness and you reach out for critical help….at a critical time..and your dismissed…then real damage starts to set in. Your friends, your lifeline, cannot help you because they refuse to take time out of their own more important lives and listen and realize how real things are. Maybe its too painful or too much of an effort, who knows. But either way being in this dark hole is something that is not easy nor is it conducive to a good life. I’ve been in this hole for months now and I am trying my best to re emerge whole and not “broken”. I have tried so many times to make people understand this is a real issue in my life….but they just cover it up, run or pretend it doesn’t exist. They were almost too late.
The one thing that kept me going …the only thing that refused to give up on me….that would answer my cries for help at the wee morning hours….was love…pure untainted Divine Love. The kind that is always near by willing to help, lend a hand UP, not a hand OUT, and is always willing to listen twenty four/seven. I am tired of being dismissed and not listened to…I have always helped others when needed but however, the favor is not returned. They somehow think its okay to be that down, to laugh it away or to change the subject as if its too deep for them to swim in. I am disgusted by being dismissed out of hand like I’m some pesky fly or child that needs to be hushed or that their issues are more important. Well now they will know how I feel..and if I lose them because of it..well then they were never meant to stay in the first place. If I had done it and succeeded then they would have realized I was serious. But thankfully no one has to plan nor attend my funeral.
Yes this is an angry post…at this moment I’m an angry person and rightfully so. I expected more and was deeply disappointed instead. So now I turn to myself…to fix my own issues This person who has done so much to help others in their times of need, who has fixed issues for everyone else…is now taking the time I need for myself. To heal, to be angry at the world and at certain persons for a long time, and to recover what’s left of my life before that too, falls by the wayside. I am rightfully angry…and no reasoning is going to fix what they messed up on. The true definition of friendship is being there and listening and being real…not just changing the subject to be about yourself. I’m sick of it..and it’s not going to be allowed anymore. Either be there or be gone.