Here.

I am here. I am staying defiant in my actions and not letting what happened to me change my outlook on life. I am still taking my courses, finally aced my Constitution 101 final, and finishing up another course soon. Also, I have a mid term coming up. We had nine wildfires raging at one point here….and one that got close. I ended up wetting down anything flammable in the backyard and creating some “defensible space” as the firefighters term it. It was knocked down yesterday….and five are still raging on, with the biggest one at 800 acres and growing, and 5% contained. But, I am still here.  I have had several sleepless nights, and in turn some nights where I have been able to sleep just fine. I have faced setbacks designed to destroy me…but I am still here.  My spirit is recovering…but it’s a slow process. I am still healing….again, another slow process. I have beaten what was supposed, in essence, kill me…but I am here. I refuse to give in and give up….I continue to fight each and every day and I encourage my friends to do the same. Just like they did with me. They never let me give up….and so it’s equal with them. I’ve gone through a lot…but I am still here. Wounded, broken, battered, scarred, healing….but still here and surviving. I have never been one to assume the victim role…and to this day, I refuse to don that label. Instead, I use my strength to see me through the difficult days and rough nights, and I remember what I have to fight for when I think about giving up. Life is hard….but it can also be full of light and laughter, if you allow it in. The last few days have been stressful and it’s hard to watch people losing their homes, their entire lives destroyed.  But …..I am still here. We were fortunate to not lose our property….despite what happened. Someone asked me if I was ready to divulge what I’ve gone through…and the answer is no. It’s easier to move on without the constant reminder of cycling through the memories…because even to this day, they are horrific to look at and remember. It was something designed to destroy me, my heart, my soul..my very being and my faith. But I am still here. Living. Breathing. Healing. Surviving. It has taken me this long to really believe that mantra of mine…that I am still here. My heart still beats. My lungs still inhale and exhale fresh air every single day and night. I am still able to help others and help myself. I didn’t die..nor did my spirit. I may have crash landed in the middle of what the heck and where did my life go….but I didn’t unpack and live there. I simply stayed until I figured things out..and I grabbed my baggage, threw it as far as the wind could carry it…and left it there. My life doesn’t revolve around what happened to me….I am not what happened to me. I made it through..I didn’t just simply “get through it”. I have my friends to thank for that, of course. It was never a solo journey. The darkness threatened to take over my life completely…but it failed in its attempt. Love and light forced it out…and then took over. Healing, however, is a solo journey. No one can do the healing for you…and I’m referring to the emotional healing. It’s a long, slow process…..but the scars do fade…given enough time. I am still here…and I like the sound of that. 🙂

Recovering………

So….I’m in recovery mode atm….or “healing” as its more commonly known as. I am learning that it’s not an overnight journey into complete and utter wholeness. This stuff takes major time to get over and get through. I wish I had known/realized that months ago when I started, stopped and started again on this journey. I didn’t expect this to take quite as long as it has, but overall I have progressed much further and I’m learning new things as I go along. I have seen way too much, things that would make another human being run for the hills….yet here I remain. Firm. Still here. In defiance of everything that was supposed to force me out of my own space. I am here living…listening to music, and even dared to rearrange my furniture in here..which released a lot of the leftover negative energy that was stagnant and just lying around, so to speak. The way I have the room now is more free-flowing, less cluttered and more sensible, in my opinion. I really love the way it currently looks tbh. =)  

 I have also been trying to find who I used to be…as I have blogged about in previous posts. So far the old me is slowly re emerging although that is also slow. Finding out whom you are is rough, but figuring out when your on the flip side of a life changing event is even rougher, if not impossible. I have changed, or so I’m told anyways. But this thing that I experienced changed me in a way that I cannot go back to where I was at one time anymore. I’m not in that place in my life anymore, and while I’m grateful for that, I also know the person I once was has fallen by the wayside. I have grown a lot in the last eleven months and I have found that people who used to know me previous to all of this don’t support me or they just haven’t moved along quite yet. So I have removed them from my life and I am happy with who is in my life currently and for whom was always there. 

That is another thing that I am learning about humanity. They constantly expect you to deal with their problems while neglecting your own. I cannot do that..and I won’t put anyone else through that either. I have to deal with myself now and deal with my own problems and do work on myself.. I am very grateful that it’s over and I not only got through it with my friends help, but I survived it. I made it through in one piece, regardless of the scars it left behind. I am finding it easier to lock away the memories of what happened and it’s much easier to continue living without remembering. I have found that life is simpler when you can easily forget what has happened in your life, that has traumatized you. Just lock them away. Until next time..Lisa.