So as it stands atm…I am on a healing journey/path in my life at 31, and trudging through two college courses. I am trying my hardest to figure out who I am now….rather than whom I used to be ten months ago. Unfortunately that person doesn’t exist anymore…so it seems. My life has changed drastically and dramatically over the last ten months in ways that the average human being can never start to imagine, much less understand. I have been through pure unadulterated hell to say the least and survived it. I often wonder if the point of all that was to learn lessons and if so..couldn’t they have been learned another way? Without the perils of hell beating upon my doorstep? Without the stress? Perhaps so…but they wouldn’t have stuck with me as they are now…or been paid attention to as clearly.
I think in times of hardship we tend to look around for those we consider our friends…and when we come up either short or empty, we are disappointed and upset. The ones who are always there are the ones whom help us through it and then help pull us up when it’s over, and they show you that indeed you did have to go through it to learn some lesson(s) that will serve you well in the future. Sometimes life royally sucks…but it’s in those times that you are tried and tested and your beliefs are shaken or dissolved altogether and you find out what your made of, including how strong you really are. The last few months especially have contained events that were made to shake my faith and dissolve it, which actually just the opposite happened: instead of crippling my faith, they served to strengthen it. I know that in times of hardship or just when I need Him, He’s always there, irregardless. That is a good feeling! 🙂 Last month was designed to destroy me and my soul…my belief system, my values, and my faith. It did none of that.
However, here is what it did: It showed me that I am a strong individual whom can tolerate a lot of things being thrown my way and still survive, still wake up each day just to go through the same thing countless times each night. I am strong enough to survive and I have friends that are willing to do anything to help me have my peace and peace of mind restored. If I fall, they are always there to catch me. This is why I absolutely love my friends and would go to the ends of the earth for them. 🙂 ❤ It also showed me the type of person I don’t wish to become….bitter, angry, full of hate and resentment…which it was designed to turn me into. I am by my very nature a loving, forgiving, helpful person who loves life and the beauty of this world we all live in and in relationships. But beyond that…I have absolutely no idea who I am anymore. I have changed to such an extent that I don’t recognize myself anymore and nothing re-enforces that more than seeing pictures of me from last August. I fight and battle with the darkness more than any human on this planet knows and I battle with the scars more than anyone realizes. I also battle with people telling me how to live my life and how I should act or how I should talk or react. When did we humans become prisoners to other human beings? When did we start acting so controlling of others? Shouldn’t life be lived..while letting others do that as well, forging their own paths, carving out some sense of individuality? We have the right to pursue happiness….so when did we evolve into taking that away?
This entire experience I’m healing from has shown me people’s true colors…and shown me the worst humanity can ever create. But also the power of forgiveness….because to forgive is to free yourself from others power over you…it frees your life and your soul to begin the healing process. After all that is something that is given to you..that opportunity to heal and be free of any negative and hurtful experience and just be truly happy and free and at peace with yourself. It gives life it’s very essence…it’s very nature…and it’s very meaning. This experience has taught me to believe that things do indeed exist outside our realm of understanding, beyond our world and scope. These things do exist but only when we are able to experience them in such a way as to peacefully co-exist. It has also taught me to appreciate the little things, because you’re gonna look back one day and realize that they were the big things. To appreciate everyone in my life much more…and not to take things nor people for granted. To do just that is to lose everyone that loved you..and that is a heavy price to pay and a huge burden to bear. It has also taught me to trust those that are in my life atm and to treasure them. But also be very careful and guard my heart…and watch whom I let into my little private world. Because some people in this world are indeed out to destroy others.
It has opened my eyes to doorways that I never knew existed…parts of myself that were dormant but sprang up as well and that I didn’t know till now existed. It has shown me the absolute dark side of life and what true darkness is….but also what light is and the freedom of experiencing it along with inner peace and peace of mind. The latter are absolutely priceless to have,,,and nothing beats them. To love someone is amazing…and to be loved back is even more spectacular. Love conquers hate, drives out darkness and heals. It truly is amazing ..and I have learned more about it than I had ever known. It is true and deep…and does more good than one can comprehend. Lesson right there for all my readers. 🙂 This has also taught me to dig deep for strength, to use anger as my strength when all else fails, and to dig deep for patience when need be and when I genuinely needed a huge dose of it. It has taught me that love is all knowing, patience is indeed a virtue, and darkness cannot infringe where there is both love and light. They simply cannot co-exist.
it has shown me the darkest side of humanity, what hate can do and exactly how powerful it is. Deep, seeded anger is by far the most dangerous to come across and deal with, especially if it’s lashed out at an innocent bystander. I have posted previously on anger…it is a foul thing to have. Make peace as best you can and let everything else go. Don’t hold onto anger..it will only serve to poison yourself and everything else around you in your life. It’s very intent is to eventually destroy you…..beyond the initial use for it in the “fight or flight” reflex which I’ve also posted about. Beyond the danger zone, anger has no other purpose than to self destroy….you. Your hopes, aspirations, dreams, happiness, relationships, patience….all can and will be destroyed by anger and bitterness. I found this out the hard way but I am slowly recovering all of that in myself. Given time I will come to fully appreciate all of those qualities I thought I lost along the way. Until then…it’s a bumpy ride.
There is absolutely no manual for the path I’m on…nor any support groups online or in real life nor any helpful site for everything I am experiencing day in and day out. No one can tell you because we are all afraid of everyone’s reactions to what I know is a global experience yet no one is openly talking about it. They may mention it on certain websites and shows but for the most part its still considered to be taboo…and therefore, there is NO support out there to help you connect with other survivors and touch base….and reach out. No one understands because we’re all told by society that “these things don’t exist” and “your crazy!” if you do mention something out of the ordinary. Yet if more people talked openly about the very thing I had happen to me, more people wouldn’t have to trudge the healing path I’m on by themselves and could connect with others and reach out and show compassion for the true survivors. If more bothered to reach out, there wouldn’t be such a sense of being alone on this journey I’m on….yet no one can quite relate because it didn’t happen to them. They didn’t have to live with what I did….nor did they experience anything quite on the same level of depth that I did. It literally changes a person…but which way this changes you is completely and utterly up to the person it happened to. For me it changed me into someone I don’t recognize yet…but am coming to know as the new version of myself. The less trusting, guarded, still fearful person I am today. I have come to realize that I may never change from this version …..and that’s alright. If I was meant to be that person I was almost a year ago, I would be. It has changed me…and maybe that change was needed in the long run and maybe I was supposed to meet the two people that changed my life in so many little ways. They have shown me that people can stay in someone’s life through the roughest, life altering, terror inducing months of their entire lives. They showed me that people don’t just give up when the going gets tough….the tough get going. Finding solutions, working with the person, giving them faith, hope and a hand UP, not a hand OUT. They lead them to find their own inner strength, They lead them down the road of peace and happiness and resolve to always be there, and then prove just that. They answer late night texts from a very frightened person without being angry and help when needed. They guard and protect without question for months at a time, without so much as one complaint. They stand by you when you’re being questioned or judged and stand up for you as well, when you can’t possibly fathom putting one foot in front of the other because you’re literally paralyzed by fear and can’t think to take one step forward much less see the way out of it. They see and love the person you are when you can’t think straight from sleep deprivation that has built up over months at a time. They give you space and room to grow while still respecting healthy boundaries and limits. They let you go off on your own journey and path, to carve it out for yourself and yet are always right there should you need a hand or a friend. Those people, my dear readers, are priceless, and only come along once in a lifetime. if you are as lucky as I am to have found these people, or when you do …hang on to them and don’t let them slip away. Realize how incredibly lucky you are to have them in your life..be grateful, appreciative and never forget about them. Because they never once forgot about you.
These last ten months have shown me an awful lot….about life, people and evil. Pure evil. Darkness. Light. Love. Hate. I am slowly evolving into the person I’m meant to be…but I am still figuring out whom I am. Maybe the new me won’t be so bad after all….I have some pretty awesome people guiding me and I know if there is ever a need, they will be right there for me while allowing me my freedom to grow, evolve and change. They understand more than anyone possibly could how much this has affected me and the damage that was incurred as a direct result. Not only that, but they respect it. They respect me..no matter what. They would never down me. nor hurt me or shy away from anything. They are strong…and loving individuals. This journey is a blind one for I never know which turn or outcropping is coming up next but I do know that as each passing day goes by, I will be strong enough to deal with the things that pop up. I can put them behind me and leave them there, where they belong. I can and will overcome all of this one day and I will be much stronger for it. More aware…more patient, loving, kind and cautious. But that day is on the path…and it has yet to be reached. In the midst of everything there are signs that it’s coming but for now it’s a distant horizon yet to be scaled. Given time, I know I will scale and conquer. I always do…I am a survivor and that has made me tough and strong. So for now, that is whom I am..and the rest? Will fall into place eventually…and that is the point of this journey. Discovering whom I am now…and what makes me tick nowadays. What makes me …me. It’s all on this path of healing..to self-discovery….and of life. Never give up folks…for you never know how truly close you are to reaching your goal. It might be closer than you think. 🙂 Until next time, Lisa.